Long time no speak...
We have been very busy moving into the new house, our last home together.
It is taking its toll on us, we are both very tired and feel like we are walking through syrup, but gradually each day we get a little bit more done. Thankfully we have a whole month to do it in, I think back to the many house moves we have made in the past and how we would do it all in a matter of a weekend. That would not be possible now, my mobility and stamina just does not allow. On the other hand I could see this as a positive? At least I haven't had to do most of the donkey work?
A has been fantastic, he has worked so hard, putting in our brand new gorgeous kitchen, fitting the wooden flooring and moving our possessions over in our car. I am so very grateful for his hard work, I am. However, I haven't really made this apparent, I think he thinks I am not grateful maybe even dismissive.
I have struggled really in honesty. I have struggled to get excited about the new house, I have tried, really I have and on one level I do love it. It is everything I have wanted for us as a family for a long time. The space is amazing after being crammed into an inadequate house for a couple of years. I feel upset that I cannot be really enthused, I know I would have been a year ago. Inevitably, this bottling up of emotion ended up in needling us both to the point where we had a row.
I am so angry that in order to have all we have ever wanted it took me getting cancer and just at the point where it is tangible cancer is also laughing at me and saying yes......I gave you it....but for how long? You see the house is tainted. I love it but also it makes me sad. I don't hate it. It is going to provide shelter, safety and security for my family long after I am gone. It will give A our boat, the children the financial start they will need in the future when they go to university, get married and have families. All stuff I won't see or take part in. So in some small way the house means my spirit is there? Again I am so grateful I signed up for that life policy on a whim, if you haven't then consider it please? The peace of mind is immense.
On a more practical note I had my stent replaced last friday, was hoping that I wouldn't need one but apparently my kidney is still not draining very well. On the plus side during the cystoscopy, the camera reccie in my bladder, the doctor could see no residual tumour. I am going to take this as being a good thing?
I also had my latest CT scan yesterday, once they had located a vein that is, I am very nervous about this. This will confirm how effective the chemo and radiotherapy has been to date but will also potentially highlight any new tumours. I now have to wait until 8th February for the results. Dr Oncologist informed me that based on the results we will have three options. If there is no visible cancer then we switch to active surveillance (sit and wait for its return), if there is some residual tumour then he may consider looking at the option of removing my bladder (not sure about this now due to side effects and the spread) and finally the scenario of there being spread and active cancer means looking at trials.
My mobility is also suffering, I am fairly sure the chemotherapy and radiotherapy have caused nerve damage. I was warned this might be the case so it is not a surprise I am just not prepared to be hobbling around like an 80 year old. The evenings are worse, a flu like feeling descends and all my joints ache and it physically hurts to walk and climbing stairs is really uncomfortable. If the treatment worked though I feel it is a small price to pay for some more time watching our children grow.
University has been keeping me occupied too, I am ridiculously grateful for this actually, I have had an assessment to work on which has helped to distract my brain from the scan anxiety.
Coming up over the next fortnight or so I have an appointment to check out the anomaly in my eye and my first assessment results from uni and obviously the biggy, the scan results....
Take care of yourselves
xxx
