Evening all,
What do I have to talk to you about tonight? What has been happening to me since the last blog that may be of interest?
Not a lot, I am still struggling with my radiation burns and spent Tuesday morning in hospital hoping there was a magic cure whilst knowing in reality the only cure is time. I am assured by next week I will feel better. Just need to tread water until then.
I think it is the time of year but lately I have been struggling and trying to grapple with the whole idea of not being here potentially next year. My brain still won't allow me to accept the concept. This is the clever old sausage's way of making sure you don't go mad or dehydrate from constant crying.
I am a Christmas person. I adore it. Even more since we had children, in my mind it is for the children. We have invented our own traditions that we do faithfully each year. I meticulously plan, buy and choose carefully all the things I think we need to enjoy Christmas. You know the food, the drink, the gifts, the decorations and the cards. After years of being last minute Laura once we had children I ensured each year without fail our Christmas arrived in plenty of time in the back of various vans, a bit like Margot from The Good Life, if you remember that infamous episode? I have been known to have cold sweats if one thing is missing.
This year I can't do it. I can't focus. I have tried. The children's gifts are all here and they have advent calendars and I have a half planned order with Tesco so I could book a delivery date. But that is it. We also are suffering from the fact that we are still in limbo house wise. The current one too small the new one bigger but not available. I hope that I will feel better next week and suddenly I will become suffused with the spirit of Christmas and make it one to remember. Especially in view of the fact that it could be our last as a family. Although I plan to be here Christmas 2016 Cancer still whispers 'what if..' in my ear.
I have remembered though that actually Christmas is not about what you have, what you buy, what you eat or drink. It is about being together. Being with the ones you love and care for. That is what is important ultimately. It will be a good Christmas because it will be a 'Heath Robinson' affair but aren't those ones always the best? The one's you don't plan, the one's that just happen?
I have also been reminded how important friendship is, not that I needed it really, our friends have been a constant light for us since May this year but when you are feeling at your lowest ebb that is when a warm smile or a small gesture tips you over the edge and makes you sob. Makes you sob and feel so grateful for those people. I have the best study companions after putting up with me breaking down in class on Monday. The parents and teachers at the children's school are also just the warmest and most caring people as we were delivered a huge hamper of amazing things for all the family. Mr H and I cried. That overwhelming pure relief at knowing someone has got your back. That lump that catches in your throat.
Friends will carry you through the darkest moments of your life, they listen to you at your worst and boost you up when you feel you cannot go on anymore. Family and friends are all that is important, not the material things, they are nice but they won't cuddle you when you are in pain or scared. I have learnt the power of real friendship and love this year and that is one thing that cancer has taught me that I will always be thankful for.
Here's to a good Christmas with those we love and cherish.
