Dignity.
Cancer treatment affords you none. It strips you of it as soon as you begin. I think that actually it probably strips you of it before that even...
Today I have had to cancel travel plans because the 'stargate' (radiotherapy machine) is doing it's job. Therefore the expected side effects are taking place. Think toilets and frequency.
Then there is the actual process of receiving my daily dose. I have mine to my pelvis so therefore I have to strip from the waist down. I am allowed to keep my knickers on until I hop onto the table at which point a small piece of paper is proffered to cover my vitals and I must lower my knickers. Add this to the fact that there are on occasion men working the machine. I say nothing but I am uncomfortable. I understand that they are medical staff but still I am not keen. The only man who sees me sans underwear is Mr A and I would like to keep it that way thanks very much. Oh at least Sam Smith wasn't warbling away for the past couple of sessions. Could have been worse.
Today I also had to discuss hemorrhoids and thrush with a nurse, not so bad, until she had to go and discuss this with Dr Oncologist. So now I have to look him in the face too whilst he knows the intimate goings on of my body. Deep joy.
Nevermind. Accept it I must. It is after all prolonging my life so the loss of dignity is worth the time gained to spend with my family.
I am just over halfway through my treatment so can only expect more of the same. To make me feel better I went to our favourite deli and bought a lovely lunch for A and me on the way back from today's treatment.
This is an angry post eh? On the positive side I have been enjoying my course and the distraction it affords, I have also taken delivery of this years beautiful advent calendars. I buy traditional picture ones each year and I adore them. Chocolate is nice but not nearly as good as having a picture of a candy cane eh? This will also be the first year I will buy one for the twins. I really hope we are able to spend next Christmas together too but who know's if I do I will already have exceeded the statistical outlook.
I read in my cancer forum today of another poor person who was fine in March but is now in the position that the cancer is everywhere. There but for the grace of God go I.
Each time I read a post like that it drives the nail in a little bit deeper. Despite my brain's seeming inability to accept the concept. I like to think that this is because it knows something I don't.
Perhaps this treatment will be like childbirth...they delight in saying you leave your dignity by the door and pick it up on the way out with your baby. Maybe when the treatment is finished I will pick it up again? It is merely just in storage....
