Morning all.
Previously to my diagnosis I was a foodie. Not a foodie in the sense of eating gourmet food. More a foodie in the sense of loving food. Any food. Food for me is a great comfort. Suddenly I can't eat, I can't enjoy my food and I can't derive any comfort from it. Chemo robs you of your taste buds, it leaves a horrid taste in your mouth. Nothing tastes right. I am wondering how I am going to make it through until August on such a reduced diet? I need to eat but don't want to as I feel so ill.
I am so sick of feeling sick too. Chemo makes you feel so sick. I hate feeling sick. In fact I have a phobia of being sick. Not great if you have to go through chemotherapy.
Who needs WeightWatchers eh? I certainly don't. Ordinarily I would be excited at weight loss but not now. I guess I will be a shadow of my former self. There will be such a party once this is over I can tell you.
We have had a busy week so far despite us not planning on it being so. The Macmillan and district nurses have both been out to see me again. We talked about drug regimes, how the chemo has gone and how to order my next truck load of drugs. I always wondered why cancer patients had so many drugs to take. Drugs for pain, drugs for bowels, drugs for sickness, drugs for drugs... mainly to managed the side effects. They are all lovely and I am grateful to them for being there.
The other thing you can be certain about with a cancer patient is that they will have a clean and hygienic mouth. Chemotherapy causes mouth sores and ulcers so when you leave you are given a bottle of mouthwash and directed to rinse with it four times a day and brush your teeth at least twice a day. My mouth is sore already. I have religiously followed this advice in the hope it will not get worse.
Following the burglary we have instigated the insurance claiming process, well A has, we shall see how much they try to wriggle out of paying out. A certain mobile phone company are certainly not covering themselves with glory.
Following my posting of the blog on Facebook I was contacted by local media, both radio and newspaper who wanted to interview me about the burglary, they are keen to help me try to retrieve my property. I am not hopeful but I am hopeful that the lowlife that took it somehow hears and understands how they could not possibly have hurt us any more than they did the night they decided to take our belongings.
Gradually I am also winding down my milk production. I sit in the middle of the night expressing just a little milk off. Enough to make me comfortable. I hate doing it. I know I am instigating the stopping of production of my milk. The milk that should be providing comfort for our boys. The milk I had wanted to carry on providing still. I am crying as I express it and throw it away. The boys are our last children and I feel sentimental about it I guess but still. They are starting to ask less and it breaks my heart. I hate Cancer.
Other mums that understand how I feel suggested I look at a breastmilk keepsake so I had a look at websites. You essentially express off some milk, package it up and send it off to some clever person who makes it into a piece of jewellery to keep. Forever. I ordered one. I am hoping it will help me with this grieving process. It may seem dramatic to call it that but that is how I feel about it.
So, I'll leave it there for now, chemo tomorrow and an MRI next week to see if it is shrinking.
Shrink you bastard. Shrink.
