Hi all.
Chemo today, second week of round one.
Arrived feeling reasonably bouyant. The Freeman has lovely new Cancer Care centre. It is very modern and posh, if you are going to have cancer then the Freeman is one of the best to have it at. I suspect that the surroundings are supposed to make the patient feel more uplifted about their visit to the hospital. Unfortunately it only worked as far as Ward 36. As soon as I clocked sight of those chairs and 'that room' I got anxious. At least there was no preliminary paperwork this time.
The staff were lovely and a mum from school who works there took time out to look for me and have a chat. So kind. Then I had the ordeal of the needles again. My veins are crap. As soon as a needle is waved anywhere near their direction they sink and hide. Again not great if you have to have chemo. I am not going to lie. It hurt. However, needle sighted we cracked on. I settled down and being my second time, I felt like an old timer and got on with the 'chemo project'.
All went well until a registrar hove into view. She is part of my oncologists team. She wants to do a bone scan. It is routine. Apparently. I have to have it.
It freaked me out. I cannot help but think what if it finds something? They will be looking for cancer of the bone. Not good. Even my uneducated self knows that. I can't take any more bad news at the moment. I don't want their bone scan. I prefer ignorance. It is true what they say, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Nevermind, they know I will have it, I know I will have it.
It make me cry. I tried to stop. I was under the gaze of my fellow chemo pals but still the tears came. No one looked at me, I suspect they understood, cancer makes you cry. Like you never knew possible. I guess they have all been there. So I sobbed quietly thinking about what if?
I talked to a man sat next to me, he has been married just a year and has been diagnosed with throat cancer. There is always someone worse off than you. Worth remembering.
A picked me up at teatime and took me home. We rowed. Cancer makes you do this too. Bastard.
I understand that those around me are not finding this easy, truly I do. I know that they are finding this hard too. Hard to keep positive. Hard to keep me positive. Hard to watch. Hard to keep themselves going. But I am scared. More scared than I have ever been in my life before. But then I stand to lose far more in my life than ever before.
I. Am. Scared. Of. Dying. The elephant in the room. I spoke it's name. I am scared of not being here, scared of not existing, scared of not being here for my children, scared of not growing old with A, scared of not being me.
So, today has been a shit day. Another day totally owned by that bastard. Cancer.
But then I logged on to check my just giving page, set up for a small charity that specifically helps bladder cancer sufferers. My target has been smashed. My wonderful friends and family have smashed my target. So perhaps today is not a total write off? I have one silver lining to make me smile at the end of the day.
I promise the tears have not been rolling down my face while I write this. I have never been a good liar.
I am smiling though to. I am a good truth teller on the plus side.
Good night dear reader.
