Since we told the children they have bounced back to their normal way of life but they are more clingy. After years of not wanting cuddles my eldest is cuddling me on and off all day and my little girl wants to sit close to me lots. She has been drawing me pictures telling me she loves me.
Thankfully the twins are too young to understand and they are expecting me to be me, this distracts me and helps me to forget, for a short while.
It is scary being forced to face your own mortality at a young age. Knowing that you could die. It is very sobering. I had a shower this morning and instead of musing on mundane things I wanted or needed to do I thought about not being here. I don't want to not be here. Cancer will have to drag me kicking and screaming. I want to see my children grow up, I want to see their children, I want to fulfil our dream of living our twilight years out on a canal boat.
For the past few years we have been planning our retirement years and want to buy a boat to live on. But now I can't imagine a future, I can't see past the chemo. I want that back, it is amazing how often you think and plan about things in the near and far future during a day. I have a block on that now, maybe my brain is protecting itself? Fuck you cancer.
In bed this morning I asked the other half would he find someone else? I think I want him to, I don't want him to be lonely. But if anyone is going to mother my children, she has to be the right one. I told him I will haunt him and tell him not that one until he gets it right. He is a special guy and one lady will be very lucky to catch him. He deserves a good one.
We are off to a barbecue later. Looking forward to it. I fully intend to eat whatever and as much as I can before chemo robs me of my appetite. As diets go this is an extreme one. Never mind I too will bounce back!
Laters! off to scoff ;)
