Hello all!
Been a few days since my last update. What have we been up to? Me, My Cancer and I? Well I have dragged it everywhere whether it wanted to go or not....
Older master T had his birthday party and a couple of friends over to stay, A did all the hard work due to me recovering from chemotherapy. Great fun was had by all. So proud of my growing boy, they all had a ball and his friends are so supportive of him while he travels this road with us.
My most recent chemo session was given after a welcome two week break. However, the flipside of the extra week off appears to be that my body has felt like a truck has hit it this session. Normally my chemo follows a pattern, not too bad the following 48 hours but day 3 & 4 usually sees me laid up in bed barely able to move but by day 5 I am recovering and ready to face the next session on day 7. Not so this time. I felt sicker for longer and really wasn't ready for the muscle aching. I do get that normally but it is mild and lasts for 24 hours. This time it has lasted all week and to be frank I still feel like a newborn calf when I walk, kind of like my legs could go from under me at any moment. Consequently I have barely walked and when I have it has completely exhausted me and I have been very heavily reliant on my painkillers mores the pity. I spent a particularly bad night the night before last writhing around the bed as despite taking both my muscle relaxants I could not settle and the pain was bordering unbearable. I am pleased therefore I delayed my final chemo until Monday so our weekend away is not ruined. Not ideal to go on a fancy spa break and spend the entire time in the hotel bed with a bucket nearby in case.
Saturday we viewed a house. It was ideal for our forever home. It is being fully refurbished and had four double bedrooms plus two reception rooms and a good sized kitchen with downstairs toilet. Perfect. It means we don't have to waste precious time getting building work carried out and it is flexible enough to provide a downstairs bedroom and bathroom when I am no longer able to manage the stairs.
On Sunday our zipwire challenge was due! Between my friends, A and I we raised £1.5k for Fight Bladder Cancer UK. Such a small charity so amounts and events like this really are their lifeblood. I was so proud of us all. We all did it, despite the building looming higher than I am sure it was last time I looked at it. The wire went from the top of the Baltic and over the Tyne. I was largely okay until I sat on the ledge of the roof ready to go, once I went I barely had time to think before I was at the other side. I think had I not been feeling so rough from chemo I might have had the wherewithal to whip myself up into a nervous frenzy. Who says chemo doesn't have benefits? I hope the Bastard screamed the whole way down....it deserves to be scared. Cancer gives you strength to do things you might not ordinarily do I think, not so sure I could have done it without my little passenger as motivation.
Later that day I took Little miss H to a friends party, I think I looked as bad as I felt. Little Miss H was happy I was there with her and she made sure she kept coming back for cuddles, even her friends came for hugs at one point, cue me fighting back the tears. The mum's there were also so kind that I almost burst into tears a couple more times, I was an emotional wreck waiting to implode on the next poor sod to provide a kind word I reckon. Somehow by some miracle I didn't disgrace myself, I don't know about you but people's concern makes me tearful especially if I am also physically suffering which doesn't help. Days like that make the cancer that much more present in my mind and if I am not careful I get stuck in a scared, emotional, crying rut that gets more difficult to crawl out of the longer I indulge it.
On Monday we viewed a couple more house and put an offer in on the Saturday house, our best one and crossed our fingers. Whilst out we treated ourselves and the boys to takeaway sandwiches and ate them on our bed all together, sharing each others and watching some telly.
Unfortunately on top of me feeling really poorly the twins are teething and R was really sick with it. I was then worried about catching a tummy bug potentially as my immune system is compromised. I felt really bad as I could not help care for him as I would normally, I couldn't comfort him as I needed to avoid getting ill myself. This is the part I find hardest. Having to withdraw from my children at the point they need me most. Chemo had better be worth it. If the Bastard hasn't shrunk further then I will personally beat the living daylights out of it for what it has put our children though.
On Wednesday a lovely counsellor from Marie Curie came to talk to us about Little Miss H, her behaviour has become quite challenging lately. She is not coping very well with the idea of losing me and it is as if she has regressed. We are experiencing tantrums like we saw when she was 3 again. She is also more worryingly refusing to go to school. Hopefully the counselling with provide her with coping mechanisms and outlets for her sadness, worry and anger.
My university course is well under way this week and I was able to observe an ante natal class in the evening. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It brought back all the fear, excitement and trepidation that I remember having when I was on the brink of becoming a mum. It was strange to be surrounded by all these happy expectant parents, immersed as I was in a room full of life to be whilst I myself am preparing to leave this life. None of them knew, except the course leader for practical reasons. I have finally found what I really want to do right at the point when it is too late. Typical.
Today I had my second tutorial and I consciously chose to leave the Bastard behind mentally although physically I drag it with me everywhere obviously. I was largely successful too. See you Bastard? You do not rule my life entirely. I can shut you out. Sometimes. I drove Bob in, I smiled, I chatted, I felt comfortable and amongst friends. A good day.
Tomorrow we go to Scunthorpe. A and I are having our first ever spa weekend to celebrate the end of this chemotherapy marathon and to watch my Dad run the Anna Verrico half marathon. More fantastic fundraising and I will get to meet some wonderful people who help motivate me to keep fighting. Really looking forward to it. The kids will stay with Grandad and we get to celebrate his and Master T's birthdays as a family. Win win.
Phew. What a week, the bladder beast is hopefully so shattered with all it's socialising that it believes shrivelling up and dying must be easier than keeping up with me. If there is one thing you can be sure about when you live with cancer, your calendar is going to get a battering. Invest in a good one. If you don't have a family one then I highly recommend it.....also happens to help with chemo brain if you write it down...
Shrink you Bastard, Shrink.
G'night xxx
