So my poor dad died in pain,scared and with the knowledge that my mam had to face cancer without him and that it could have been caught 6 months earlier if not for someones negligence.
Since my dads death I dont feel like I have been able to grieve for him properly as Im trying to be so strong for my mam and as an only one have got alot to do.
I am astounded by people since all of this has happened,seems like many people remember my dads Omega watch and diamond ring -whats all that about ! Do they want it? Why mention it ?My mams sister-we are all very close had bee a rock for 3 weeks-very supportive and there for my mam-she rang one Saturday morning and had a rant about how she has IBS and a lot on-ending with the knife to my back-" after all its not my husband who died" Oh my god I was gutted and cried in the supermarket-she then didn't bother contacting my mam for a week-I didn't tell my mam what she said and still haven't. - they are friends again now but I'm very cool with her and will never be the same again. There is only close family who know about mams cancer all sworn to secrecy as my kids 11 and 19 don't yet know-again everyone has an opinion on this-they just lost their grandad its Christmas and my decision. Inevitably its got out though.
I wish people would not send Christmas cards-makes me sick are they insane as If - when my dads dead -people can be so insensitive. "have a lovely Christmas" ....God !!! People say with their head on one side "hows your mam" I toe the line and say " oh OK as well as can be expected" I want to say " How the bloody hell do you think she is - she's absolutely gutted what a stupid question!!
As for me and my life-I don't recognize me or my life.I have a full time job-a professional career,drove to work in my flash car wearing a suit and high heels chaired complex meetings and managed people and problems. Since end of October I am on sick-totally against all I stand for,don't wear any make up,wear leggings and don't really care what I look like, Maybe the most distressing thing for me is the change in my thoughts I think I might leave my husband of 21 years-he is not a bad person but says things like-what you crying for now!! Geenie pull yourself together and get on with it and last night when I was upset he said oh god what now !! I have thought I might not let my aunt and uncle come to the funeral -oh my god how bad and terrible is that-this is not me I am a peace maker I sit on the fence all the time.I feel like I want to change my appearance so people don't recognize me or move to New Zealand.
