XxxI wanted to start a blog at the beginning of our journey but couldn't find the words for it to make sense .But here I go 
There we were in our garden having a BBQ on a hot summers day in June 2021 . Our eldest 2 children 20 &18 at the time were home from university and our 4 year old was waiting patiently for her food .
Hubby was as usually cooking on the BBQ without a care in the world .little did we know that day what laid ahead of us .
That was the day my husband first had a problem eating his food . This was the first time HD was sick . This gradually became more frequent (so did my nagging him to see the GP) untill in mid July he was bringing anything and everything he ate back up , he lost his appetite to .so I nagged some more and made him an appointment for on his day off . Referral to the hospital happened , then an endoscopy for which he had to go on his own thanks to Covid 19
Then the C bomb 
was out . It felt like our world had fallen apart , but the waiting that followed oh my god the waiting is excruciating, blood test,biopsy, ct scan , Pet scan . All through the school holidays was a nightmare we couldn't wake up from , we didn't go anywhere, every time I looked at our 4 year old I felt guilty we weren't doing more with her, going places for days out etc.. so we decided to book a last minute weekend way for the beginning of September to give us something to look forward too
At the beginning of August hubby had lost so much weight almost 6 stone and was really struggling to even drink . He was so dehydrated that he was admitted in to hospital and put on a drip. They fitted a feeding tube into his stomach. He had to be connected to his feeding machine for 12 hours every day , he was tired, scared and feeling weak was . It was then confirmed he had Oesophegeal cancer T3 N2 M0
I can look back now and say we were lucky in a way because the actually time it took to get to the point of a treatment plan was just a few weeks (5) but it felt like an eternity . The date was set for his first course of FLOT chemo fof 3 days after our weekend away . Then an operation to remove the tumour after that .
It was hard, hubby didn't feel up to doing much but we took loads of craft activities and sat in the caravan doing them together . I took her swimming and out on her scooter while he rested .
I'm so glad we didn't cancel the break away .it was what we needed and we really did enjoy ourselves despite everything .
4 lots of FLOT chemo done by the second week in November. The waited for his 2nd pet scan appt in December . Then the op on the 10th January 2022
We got a phone call from his cancer nurse on the 23rd December(yep Christmas eve eve) it was the worst news ever, his operation was canceled because the cancer had spread to 2 areas , he was now classed as incurable and more FLOT chemo was not an option , as you can imagine we had tons of questions " how bad is it ? , are there any other treatments he could have? How long does he have left? none of which she could really answer we had to wait to see his consultant after Christmas.
Christmas was hell ! I wish they had waited till at least after Christmas to tell us . Our 4 year old see us cry way too many times more than any child should have to see . We tried to keep it together for the kids sake but it was so hard .
If you are still reading this I thank you and apologise for it being so long I do tend to waffle on xxx but nearly up to date now
So we see the consultant on 27th December. He confirmed FLOT was not a viable treatment and they needed to run tests to see if Herceptin would work ,results would take 3 weeks . If that was not a viable option then we would have to look at clinical trials .
Before all this Im ashamed to say I was so ignorant of what Cancer was really like I thought oh chemo will cure it. they have come so far with medicine nowadays. How wrong was I.
Whilst awaiting hubby's results he decided to get some things in order. Check his life insurance, pensions , will , mortgage etc... even do some jobs around the house to keep himself occupied
So today we got.
the results . They tested his sample for Her2 proteins , if the level was high he could be treated with Herceptin if low then onto finding a clinical trial.
Thankfully and finally a little bit of good news .his results were hight and hubby starts on Herceptin and chemo in 2-3 weeks .
Omg such a relief
You go through so many emotions , you think about all the things he might miss out on, graduations, weddings, dance competitions with the little ones , i have thought about how will I carry on without him by my side . I look at him now 7 stone lighter (he quit smoking when he got diagnosed ) he can't go back to work yet and may never go back as it was physical job and I feel , have felt so helpless knowing I cannot do anything to ease this for him accept hold his hand anx by by his side the whole journey xx
thank you for reading if you managed to get to The end xxxxxx
I hope this helps at least 1 person feel like they are not on their own xxxxxxxx
