As a distraction until I see the Consultant at the Marsden to hear about my treatment pathway for a breast lump that's going to come out, we invited a few friends over, along with those of our son (who's just come out of isolation having recently returned from abroad), for a barbeque. Whilst I would normally have made a cake, this time I thought about our Crudwell Diet food (mentioned in a previous post) and thought I'd make some "healthy" meringues... [actually this is probably not the case, but perhaps you can give me a bit of poetic license].
It's the weekend and I'm seeing the Consultant on Monday to hear what kind of treatment I'm going to receive for my breast lump. There's an awful lot of waiting and 'not knowing' going on. Some people suggested that I should just relax and take things easy, they're "happy to help"; but relaxing isn't in my nature and just leaves me with time to cogitate - which I don't find helpful at all. I've found that focussing on other things is a great way to distract myself from the darker thoughts that flit through my mind, as if I'm not careful I find that they hit me unaware and I really don't want to spend all my time in tears. What's the point when there's nothing I can do at the moment? Reading books doesn't work and I'm leaving watching films for when I'm really not up to socialising. Baking has always been a pleasure and I'm not very good at multitasking. Making perfect meringues was always something my mother used to do. She never followed a recipe. So making meringues for others and inviting them for a barbeque on Saturday night seemed a good displacement activity. Since my experience of having the second lump dismissed as a lipoma on Thursday we've been focussed on getting meats marinated, Sangria produced (orange juice, red wine, lemonade, mint, tonic water orange slices, a large glug red vermouth & another of Cointreau), making salads, getting the tables and chairs out etc. and hoping that the rain and mini hurricane we heard about happening in another part of London wasn't going to affect our evening.
We were fortunate. The weather held out and the sun shined through the clouds. The friends and family we invited over ensured it was a warm and lovely evening. I was spoilt by gifts of flowers, chocolates, a home-knitted silk/merino wool scarf and alcohol. It's always daunting introducing friends to each other who don't know each other but somehow every one jelled. We laughed, ate and talked beyond late June's sunset, lighting candles when it got too dark to see each other's faces.
Right from the start I decided that it was better to tell everyone about my lump than keep it private. I know there are some who believe that this kind of thing shouldn't concern others, but I beg to differ. Many people want to offer help and support. I know I would if a friend were in my situation. And even though I may not feel I need it at the moment, I realise that this may change over the next few weeks / months. It's brought out the best in everyone who's heard my news and has made me so grateful for them considering me worthy of their kindness.
It's now Sunday evening. I'm listening to a cheerful second movement of Schubert's second symphony on the radio whilst writing this. My anxiety about tomorrow's appointment is growing a little but is still manageable. I know I may not sleep very well tonight but I can console myself with the knowledge that I've been blessed with the opportunity to have had so much else to think about ... and have had a chance to indulge in creating things to satisfy my sweet tooth and give pleasure to others (a little of what you fancy), which has been just the tonic! I'll try and reflect on this in the wee small hours when I'm tossing and turning in bed.
If you fancy trying out the meringues then head to: https://wordpress.com/post/kathiescakes.wordpress.com/710
