Today is the 24th day of knowing I've got cancer. I'm not counting the days where I had biopsies or from when I felt the lump, just actual days since Mr M sat me down and told me it was cancer. There's 2 C words in this life that make me shudder. Yet I could easily describe one with the other!
Since that horrible day, I've been carrying on as normal. Well, as normal as you can I guess. Yes there's been tears, a PET and CT scan here and there, couple of chats with a breast care nurse, but on the whole - normality. I've been going to work, taking the kids out, gone out for lunch with the hubby, loaded the dishwasher, ironed.....you get the drift. Normal. I've told close family and a very few close friends. Oh and my boss. But I'm not ready to tell anyone else yet. To be fair, I don't know what to tell them as I'm still waiting to find things out too. Yet it’s always there every time I'm talking to people or answering a 'hey, how's things' text. It's like a dirty little secret, chanting "I've got cancer, I've got cancer". I'm worried about people treating me differently. We've all been there, never known really how to act or what to say to someone who's going through a shit time. Its human nature, no one’s fault. Although I've been telling everyone I've been strangely fine through these last 24 days, I'm struggling to believe my own bullshit now. I'm tired (even though I'm not struggling to sleep), I'm getting irritable and my patience is wearing very thin. I want people to know so I don't have to keep pretending anymore. But I'm also scared of everyone knowing too. I can hear men everywhere "typical woman, doesn't know what she wants". And they are true - I don't know what I want. I know I don't bloody want cancer, but that's not an option unfortunately.
My case is being discussed in tomorrow's MDT meeting so hopefully I'll get a call on Friday to come in and see Mr M on Monday (that’s how it worked 24 days ago). And I'll know what and when my treatment is. Maybe then I'll share the secret.
