Mums terminal

HI, Im so so sorry to hear about your Mum. It is a terrible shock when you get this news. Im in exactly the same position to you. we were told mum was terminal in Jan. Like your Mum, they have stopped investigating, the cancer is rampant. Mum is also cachaxic which sometimes is worse than the cancer. She is just wasting away. But mercifully she remains pain free & is comfortable. This is now the best i can hope for. I hope your Mum is pain free. We havent told Mum the extent on her cancer & that she is terminal but i know she knows. She is happy to take one day at a time & happy to have us all around. She gets strength from us & visa versa. Once you get over the shock, you will start appreciating the good days & there will be some so cherish them. we dont know how much time Mum has either so it really is day by day. It is heart breaking but make sure that it doesnt ruin the limited time you have with her. Make every moment count. Im sorry i dont have some wonderful words of wisdom but you know where i am. I hope the days will be gentle to you & stay strong. clo x  

Thanks so much Clo. Mum says she is pain free apart from back ache which she accounts to the sofa!! She would never admit to anything the stubborn old thing! I'd never heard of cachaxia before and found it just as distressing as the cancer itself. I haven't seen mum for a few weeks as I have had my son staying after major heart surgery, and I know mum does look terribly ill because my sister warned me to prepare for the shock! Tomorrow is going to be a test of my strength and I'm dreading the visit just as much as Im looking forward to seeing her. My mum does know she is terminal but doesn't talk about her illness at all. How do you feel about the cachexia?Its sounds just as life threatening and i fear this might be the one thing that ends her life before the cancer! I wish you and your family strength as i do mine and am sending you the biggest hug xx

Dear Jojoko, you poor thing, you're really having a hard time of it. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I see my mum every day but my sister will see her for the 1st time in 8 weeks (she lives abroad) next week. I also have warned her but i dont think she is really prepared. I didnt know what Cachexia was either until it was explained to me that it was also called "wasting syndrome" & is as irreversible & life threatening as the damn cancer. I also fear that it will take her before the cancer does. My Mum is so frail now, it scares me. She cant dress herself or brush her hair, everything seems to be such a struggle now. It kills me to see her like this because she was so vain & loved having her hair & hair perfect. The doctor has started her on dexamethosone (steroid) & there has been a very small improvement but it is very temporary. You mentioned that you mum doesnt talk about her illness, does she speak to anyone about it, i.e. councellors, support groups. My Mum has just closed up completely. I just cant get her to talk. ive sort of given up because i think i was starting to p*ss her off by nagging her to talk. Now for the most part,she sits in silence staring into a world i cant reach. My heart goes out to you tomorrow, it will not be easy for you. Stay as strong as you can. Let me know how you get on tomorrow. If possible, try & see past the illness to your beautiful mum.  Take care & hugs, clo xx

Jojoko,

So sorry for your sad news, our mums are so very important to us. Cachexia is a sort of general term though that applies to patients who are deteriating physically because of the cancer, it is like the cancer uses up all their energy, and drains them. If you can, try not to focus on "terms" & "labels", just concentrate on your mum, and as Clo has so eloquently put, spend your time together as and when you can.

You should try and speak to maybe a Macmillan nurse if possible? They can explain things to you and they will definately help you to cope and try to help take some of the fear away. This is a horrible position to be in, no-one ever could be prepared for it, but you will cope, honest, just dont be too hard on yourself.

There are lots of lovely people on here who will support, listen and try to understand, and many of us have had the same mis-fortune (for want of a better word), so do have an inkling of how you are feeling.

Please take care, take each day as it comes, enjoy and live it to the fullest. Thinking of you and your family,

Lou x x x

Mum passed away on the 25th April, at home with my dad, me, my husband Allan and my two children Liam and Laura. It came as a massive shock. Although we knew her time was coming, it came so suddenly, but then so peacefully as she just fell asleep. We arrived on the Friday and by Sunday morning (dad's birthday!) we knew she wasn't right. We called in the Macmillan nurse who was tremendous but said her time was imminent. We kept her as comfortable as possible and at 6.55pm she fell asleep. The pain since has been so awful, lots of ups and downs, family coming and going. Mum's funeral was on Friday 7th May and was such a lovely service, with beautiful music chosen by my dad, and a poem written by my dad reflecting his relationship with my mum which was read out by my daughter. I shall never be able to fill this empty void in myself and do not feel that I will ever stop crying or be able to stop the pain I feel...but I know I will because life does indeed go on.

Thank you to everyone who supports each other here, you are all wonderful caring people.