I found out last Thursday that my 30 sessions of radiotherapy will start on Monday. The relief is tremendous. Feelings of excitement (which is a little bizarre, or alternatively I really don't understand my own emotions) .... Coupled with fear of how I might be affected both in the short-term and the longer term .... And also the implications for my family. It is a positive thing that is going to happen. I am going to compare my whole experience to the early days of motherhood. My work is with new mothers and focusses on their psychological transition to motherhood ...... I have started to identify some parallels with my adaptation to 'cancerhood'. When I work with groups of new mums I often ask them to consider the stages of psychological transition they have gone through and might continue to go through. Much of these ideas are based on the work of Daniel Stern. We always identify how different things are for each person, and how some stages may run in parallel ..... Sometimes we (I am still talking in terms of mothers here) might find periods of regression, sometimes we might get stuck at a particular stage, but to successfully achieve the altered mindset, progress is necessary. And so, as someone recently diagnosed with cancer, I don't yet know whether the parallels I am about to describe are inevitable or necessary. I am going to begin each section with my motherhood stage and then attempt to liken it to a cancerhood stage: Imagining my baby = imagining the possible implications of my cancer (care requirements, prognosis, work implications, physical appearance, emotional implications etc.) The birth = the treatment (usually necessary, usually accompanied by discomfort, with a positive aim). A typical feeling at this stage might be shock. Taking care of and bonding with my baby = starting to accept the reality of my diagnosis plus making the associated lifestyle changes to account for my cancer and to aid recovery from any post operative / treatment. At this stage the sleep-deprivation of new mothers draws a parallel with the levels of fatigue cancer patients might experience overvearly weeks / months. Physical changes = physical changes ..... Scars, skin and hair alteration, weight changes, fitness changes and so on. Relationship changes = relationship changes. How does the patient ensure close relationships remain close? How are friendships altered? What about relationships with those people already touched by cancer? Mothers tend to seek out support from other mothers ..... Do cancer patients tend to seek out support from other cancer patients? How do they identify andvcreate this affinity? Identity changes = identity changes ..... Not necessarily my physical identity, but rather my idea about who I am. This might depend on any necessary lifestyle changes ..... For example to go from a high-flying career-driven professional, to a part-time position might have a huge impact on feelings of self-worth. To go from financial and practical independence to being dependent might be very difficult to bear. Integrating motherhood / cancerhood into the rest of your life ..... The real challenge for the future. To plan or not to plan? To resume those aspects of life you so enjoyed (possibly in a slightly different way). The bucket-list. I want to return to these thoughts over the coming weeks and months and track any similarities of my own. And in relation to my treatment ..... I have been really organised and, following a suggestion from one of my friends, have organised a rota of support for helping with my young daughter. Friends are pretty amazing! I have also created a countdown tracker for my 30 sessions. My daughter will help me to cross each day off in turn ..... I just hope she doesn't think there will be a prize at the end! I will keep looking for positive thoughts and take whatever comes my way each day. My next posts will probably be around my radiotherapy .... Lets see what comes along and where any parallels might lay.
