Ok......so, never done this before but then, there's been alot of stuff in the past year that I've done for the first time - so hey, here we go. Hmmm.... learn to do 'blogging'!
Yesterday, as well as being the day we all finally got to go to the shops and the pub garden again, was exactly 1 year since I found a lump in my left breast. I found it while I was in the shower. It felt very obviously 'wrong'. I remember feeling a bit frozen in time for a minute or so. When I look back, I realize that I really did know instantly what it was.
Right, so my plan for this blog is partly a way for me to process just what has happened over the past year but also if there's anyone out there who is about to go through a similar year - I'm really hoping this might be helpful. It's been a shitty year - I've learnt a lot and been through a lot BUT, 1 year on - I'm doing ok. :-)
So, the 'then' bit - it was early stages of the first lockdown, nobody was going anywhere. I had both my kids at home doing online learning. My eldest was 12, in year 8 and my youngest was 10, in year 6. My husband was still going to work as normal as he's a key-worker. So nothing was really normal - the whole world seemed to have gone bonkers and then I found this lump. When I found it I was on my period so I put off doing anything about it, just for a couple of days as I tried to kid myself that being on my period had made me a bit lumpy! It never had before but like I said, deep down I already knew what it was - I was just clutching at a straw for a couple of days.
I knew I had to call the doctors to get an appointment - possibly it was just a cyst, they might tell me that. I rang and had to explain exactly why I needed to come in. This was April 2020, they really didn't want anyone in the surgery unless it was absolutely necessary. Once I explained, the lady on the phone was great and she made me an appointment. I didn't tell my husband anything about the lump until after I'd made the doctors appointment and even then it was a very matter of fact conversation - I simply said, I'd found a lump and I'd made an appointment to get it checked out. I remember I didn't want to get too into it as talking about it with him would have made it real - I didn't quite want to do that yet. I certainly didn't tell my kids. Until the appointment I just had to carry on, not normally, but trying to deal with the surreal life we were all living at the time. It was mostly about being mum at that time, ensuring that they were doing ok with their online learning and that we were having some fun as a family, the weather was beautiful and we were really enjoying the time together and our 1 hour of exercise each day. There was just this secret inner feeling of doom.
The 'now' bit - yesterday's 'anniversary' for want of a better term, has stirred up some feelings that I don't fully understand as yet. I'm hoping that writing this blog, might help... I have done my upmost over the past year to remain positive - look for the silver linings and remember that everything is temporary and that has definitely helped me through. However, now it does feel a bit like it was all like living in a film - which is how Covid felt too right?
Right now I'm at the stage where I have had a mastectomy, a reconstruction, 5 months of chemotherapy, 3 weeks of radiotherapy and now I'm taking hormone suppressant drugs. Essentially, with fingers crossed, I consider myself cancer-free - I'm not sure when the docs agree with me on that one! The drugs I'm taking are for women who have gone through the menopause because chemotherapy pushed me down that road. I'm 47, so a bit early for the menopause but hey ho - I guess it was coming anyway. They say my body might go backwards and periods start again but I really hope not - how crap would that be, to have to start the menopause twice!!!! Not getting periods anymore (if you ignore all the side effects of that) has got to be seen as one of the stand out positives of this whole thing!!
I'm listed for further surgery - not sure when yet, probably around Septemberish time. It's tidy up surgery. Plastic Surgeons are perfectionists - which is definitely a good thing. I am able to have my right breast reduced slightly and lifted a bit (hey, another positive!) to match better with the reconstructed left one. They can also construct me a new nipple - you have to say goodbye to the original one if you have a mastectomy! There is the option of liposuction to smooth out areas of my torso where fat has kinda gathered where it ought not to have and they can remove the untidy ends of the scar across my belly where they took the fat to reconstruct my boob. Think I'm gonna go with boob, breast just sounds too official! This is all stuff I don't have to have - currently still deciding what to do, if anything.... I guess I'll be letting you know at some point..
I'm planning for doing this blog for 1 year. I promise it will be honest about the crap stuff and the good stuff. I can't promise it will be well written but I'll try. I'll include any tips I have to make things easier and if there are things I wish I'd done differently, I'll tell you. Let's see how this goes..xxxx
