Back again - did you miss me? No - I didn't think so ;-(
Well, the next part of my journey has been confirmed. I'm to go under the knife on Friday 12th June.
A quick radical prostatectomy in my lunch break and, according to my boss, I'll be back at work in no time......yeah, right! Has he any idea? Not a bit.
Others in the office are more in tune. They keep popping in to see me, just to make sure I'm OK. It's very nice, but a bit of a distraction. It's when I'm at home - on my own - that the gremlins hit me. (Check back a few blog posts and you'll see what I mean) At work, with all that's going on and everything I've got to get under way before I get sliced and diced, the concentration keeps my head in order - just!
Now, at least, I can see an end to my problem. Strange, isn't it? I have a problem. Six or seven months ago, I didn't have a problem. Now I have a problem. Soon, this little prostate of mine will come out and my problem will be all over - apart from dealing with the possible aftermath of incontinence, impotence and a bloody great scar above my bikini line - how will I ever pose on the beach again ;-)
I'll be cured - like a well hung ham..........Wait! Hold on to that image.......!
But just think of the rollercoaster ride....last year, no cancer - this year, cancer - next year, no cancer (I hope). I will be able to wear that badge that says 'I'm a cancer survivor' - but I've done nothing! Not battled, not had to take huge quantities of Chemo, not been microwaved. Nothing - just a long sleep while they rummage around my abdomen, then six weeks off work.
I know I've been lucky and - perhaps - speaking too soon. Who knows what else they will find when they open me up - but I really am feeling a bit of a fraud. Many of you have suffered for years - been members of this site for years. Me - I joined in March and here I am in May, waffling on about a cure. I read the other blogs and I feel so deeply guilty that, after 12 June, I'll need no more treatment and yet lots of you have been undergoing chemo or radiotherapy for ages - with no end in sight. Just where is the fairness?
But it's not my fault, is it? I have what I have. It can be dealt with. It could have been so much worse for me......
Sorry. I'm beginning to go into dark places again. Why me? Why have I been spared? So many of you are........
I'm so very sorry.......
I need to handle this my way..........but I promise - after my op - I'll come back and try and help anyone else I can.
Much love
Steve
Fear...and it is all in the cards. We don't know what life is going to throw at us. And, it is the WAY we handle it all that counts. Some of us are not able to face the ugly monster...others can do it...somehow? Fear of the unknown and fear of knowing too much. Bottom line...we are all very much alike. Hope you remain a lucky one [my fingers are crossed for you] and they are able to get it all with minimal after care. Best of wishes for June 12. xox
The best of luck Steve. Just because you are having surgery to hopefully remove all the offending cells, doesn't make you any less deserving of support than anyone else. You are about to undergo very radical surgery and will needs lots of love and support throughout. So you go into a 'dark place' from time to time. That is normal and you will probably do it again may times before you are told the news you really want to hear. Take care love and keep us up to date with your progress. x x x
