My Lord, do I need some friends tonight……..
Yesterday, my blog was light and fun – although every word was true. Gone midnight last night, I turned in and thought I would sleep soundly until the alarm went off at 06:20, then I’d get up and ready for work.
How wrong could I be? I saw every minute of the night hours – every second – every single moment.
I went into dark places in my mind that I have never, ever, visited before. It was awful. Every ghoul and gremlin – every dire and terminal thought - visited itself upon me last night
Please let me explain. My father, at 84, has been having various cancer-related operations since the early 1960s. He has had testicular cancer and had his testes removed; he has had several operations to remove parts of his bladder; three years ago, he had part of his stomach removed – then, last May, he had the rest of his stomach taken out. All due to the dreaded cancer.
I had helped and supported – as much as I could (or I thought I did) bearing in mind I live 120 miles away. The trouble was that as I drove away from his flat every week / fortnight / month / whenever I could find the time (delete that which does not apply) I felt I had done my duty, been a loving son – and so, self-congratulating all the way, I drove back to my nice little house and carried on with my oh so important life.
I had no idea what Dad was going through – not in any way, shape or form. Until last night. Then it hit me – hard! This time, it’s me. I’ve got cancer. Me!
I started thinking about Dad and how he has changed. He worked most of his life in a steel foundry – he was a real mountain of a man, solid muscle. Twenty stones of iron-tough strength and as gentle as a kitten. Now – he’s six stone nothing with his clothes hanging off him. And what have I done? Nothing. Bugger all. (Sorry)
Last night, it was me. I was the one with nothing but a few rags over my skeletal frame (in reality I’m a shade over 16 stone and 6 feet 4 inches tall). As I paced around the house, I kept seeing myself in the various mirrors and all I saw were rags hanging off of flaccid white flesh – at one point I really believed I saw maggots. It was horrific. I went to places I didn’t know existed.
All night this went on. I must have slept in the end, because I woke with a start when the alarm went off. My bed was drenched – really soaked with perspiration – and so was I.
I was so scared.
I’ve been at work all day, trying to forget last night. I have had an easier time, I guess, because of the people I work with. They have listened to my words and helped me get through the day. But now, well it’s 9:25 at night and I’m dreading going to bed – because of what happened last night.
I know it’s a passing phase and that it will go soon enough. That doesn’t really help much, though. I need to know about ME – and the only way I will get to know is when the letter from the hospital drops through the letter box, giving me details of my next appointment with the consultant.
Hell’s teeth, I’m new at this. I’ve only been diagnosed a little over a week – and mine is only prostate cancer. How on earth do the rest of you, all more badly affected than I am, cope with this Journey? Please tell me…….
Much love
Steve
