BLACK
11.10.25
It was black. Black and round. Not the shape of a partially formed babe which you usually see when your wife is being scanned by one of those scanners which requires gel on the tummy. This was cancer. Black round ish and very obvious. “It’s just to the side of the stomach so I think I can get to it without going through the bowel.” So matter of fact. So down to earth. Yet for the first time we saw it. The disease which will bring my wife’s life to a premature end. Which will dominate the next 6 months give or take of my life. She’s brave. I am not. It frightens me to think that she will have to go through a painful and slow death. I hate the very thought of her having to be in pain. I gave her so much pain already though she thanks me for having an affair as it allowed so much to happen for her. It near killed me. I’ve only felt whole and safe and myself since we found each other again and now we will loose each other. And the kids - 2 boys deprived of their Mum. Tim, oh God T how he cried. Her baby. My baby. My skier, explorer adventurer. And G again coming in assuming the role of the adult (hang on that’s me now son, back up!) in the crisis. Getting 4 day week when my work refused my request. Sometimes it is just too much. When JC rang or when Nick wrote. I want to cry and cry. But it feels so selfish. Friends are amazing - O N A A P and F. But prayer - what is prayer. Where is my faith? How do I even pray. And why the hell should God listen - hasn’t he got enough to deal with in Gaza and Ukraine for starters. What is my suffering compared to theirs? I hate it when she talks - you’ll have money a lovely home you’ll be OK. I don’t want to be OK I want to scream and shout and curse. The hand we have been dealt. Remarried 2018 lasted 8 years max maybe not even that and then she is taken away. FUCK. I’m numb and its no fun.
18.10
Up and down week. Rather down then up. Having had an awful midweek I am now on a high after lovely day yesterday w H including our weekly pub visit (now lunchtime!) Today I’m having a me day in London w a friend. Feels selfish but is self care n I need it! Boys w H which is good. Work still crap - zero answers to grievance H letter or my olive branch email.l.. Just don’t care at all about work now AT ALL.. Thank God for friends. Especially …
