We recieved a leter late last week for mum to go into Hospital and speak with the consultant about her Chemo being started.
Well we were hardly surprised when they turned mum down, saying that she is too weak to undergo it! Her eating has not improved, and she has lost yet more weight. It's gotten to the point now, that I have to take her to the toilet in a wheelchair, or else she will fall over, steady her on the toilet, help wash & bathe her, sit her up in bed, and she is too weak that she can hardly hold a glass anymore and we have resorted to giving her, her fluids with a straw in - just so it is a little easier.
It scares me as she lays there with her stomach making serious hungry noises and yet she declares that its not hungry - that she isnt hungry - yet she knows if she doesn't eat she cannot get better. I really don't understand how she doesn't even seem to want to try. She sleeps all the time and gets grumpy when you wake her up - which upsets me and makes me feel guilty. She locks herself away in her room and willnot change the scenery. We have borrowed a wheelchair from the NHS for mum, My sister has resorted to wheeling mum to the bathroom now as well (her bed is right next to the downstairs toilet!) and we have enquired with the District nurse to get her a potty chair - as it will be safer and easier for her to use! (She refused a bed pan) She has fallen over a couple of times in the night now - which is scary as she cannot get herself up, once she is down. Yesterday morning, she fell over and apparently dragged herself to her bed to get up, cut her knees, arm, bruised her face... Feel so guilty not knowing that and not being there to help her! Although we have since brought her a child monitor, so we can hear her and be woken if either herself of my disabled sister needs us.
Tuesdays Consultant/Chemo/Dietitian Appointment.
For some reason they booked mum in for 9:30 when they knew we lived miles from the Hospital, but hay ho, they got there in time!
As usual I got left at home looking after my sister, and the housework etc. The consultant was talking to mum saying that she cannot start treatment as it will make her more ill than she already is. But they still cannot work out why she is not even attempting to eat.
The anti-depressant/eating disorder drug is still not working.
Mum is still refusing calory & nutrient drinks.
Although, for some reason, the consultant turned around (bearing in mind we havent had scans and tests for a few weeks now) and said something about the cancer being in her kidneys and liver. Dad and sister was gobsmacked. For some reason, no one had previously told us that the cancer had spread to them places. Although when they came home and told me I was confused. As to surely it would have shown up in the scans and blood tests and things when they checked them all, and all of the previous tests had come back clear. I said to dad that he should question it as to me it sounds as though they have either been witholding information, or they have got their patients/scans/info mixed up - which both isn't fair!
Mum was in shock.
She still is in shock
They took dad to one side and had a word with him. They told him that because of the condition mum is in, they said it was bad news, told him that she is seriously ill and mal nutritioned and that they predict her to not make Christmas. I cannot believe it. If mum eats and builds herself up, we might get more time with her and a chance of recovery! I want mum there to hold and see my first born child. I don't want her and the baby not knowing each other....
Terrified
Dad has asked me to keep it a secret from mum, not to make her more anxious than she already is, but is it the right thing to do?
I just want her to eat and it will be all ok!
Dad still talks to me as though I don't know how serious mums condition is. He still patronises me about mum and my sister that i care for - yet he hasn't interviened with it! So surely if I was doing a crappy job, he would do it? He keeps using the excuse that he has screwed his back up. Keeps sayin that, and then when it supposidly gets better, he does something to make it bad again. I recon its just an excuse so he doesnt have to do it.
We been told to get palative care - have called them up - am waiting for a phone call!
Thursday
Booked myself into the GP today. Discussed my mental health and mums health with her. My GP was unsure as to how serious she was. She said she will call and pop around after surgery. Hopefully she will have something to improve mum - or at least make her more comfortable. They don't want to offer me anything until the macmillian nurse comes out.
Our GP hadn't been told about the kidneys & liver thing, and was also confused. Apparently they havent even informed her of the cancer outcome from the stomach and lung bi-opsy!
The nurse rang today. Arranged a meet on Tuesday. Fingers crossed! She sounded nice on the phone.
The GP said they are gunna follow up and enquire about the inconsistant diagnosis as something isn't right with what they keep saying and how they keep saying conflicting things.
Friday
Mum is still is shock and is getting weaker by the day. She has hardly eaten anything today. The District nurse came round, she hadn't remembered the potty chair, not the box of gloves that i need for my disabled sister (to change her nappy's /suppositories etc) But she said that there will be a courier around later that will drop off a few helpful bits for mum. A mattress (mum has bed sores, I have been using my sisters bed sore plasters on her as well! Nurse said it is fine!) A shower stool (Have been making use of our plastic garden furniture, Sisters shower trolley isn't suitable) A head propper upper thingy (we have gathered together 6 additional pillows so she can be sat up to drink/eat) and the potty chair.
Mum is shaking so much when we have to try and manoeuvre her into the wheelchair to be able to take her to the toilet. She is so worried that she will fall over.
In the evening dad blew up at me. Telling me that I'm lazy and do nothing around the house. He was slating me for my disabled sister not wanting her tea. When he hardly ever fed her in the 30 years of her being alive! I told him that she sometimes doesn't eat that much especially if she has had a seizure during the day. He really laid into me then went off on a rant to mum. In the end I said look, if you keep having a go at me about what Im trying to do then I will just up and leave, and continue my life without helping. Unsure whether I should have said that, but its how I feel. I'm trying my best and it just feels as though people don't think I am trying. Apparently being on my computer in the evenings, is me on my computer doing nothing all day....
Meh, maybe I was just an outlet - I dunno.
Anyways gunna have to sleep - am nodding off atm! lol
