I cannot seem to cope any more. Everything seems such a big deal. I'm finding it so hard to get out of bed, even the sheer thought of having to get out and go downstairs brings me to tears. I have no interest in my games that I used to adore. Every little imperfection about myself has blossomed into a big Oak. Gawd. I'm feeling dreadful. I can see myself with the same signs as I had a few years back. I have lost interest in food. I'm hardly drinking any fluid - it makes me gag for some reason. The only food I want is sugary shit - which I won't allow coz of my weight. I'm seeing things even when I'm awake now. I have really bad insomnia too, migraines, nosebleeds, the shakes. Aches and pains that I can't describe.IBS, Whether or not it's my age, I dunno. Bloody irrational thoughts keep invading my head. Finding it too hard to answer the home phone. Pathetic.I'm a mess. Dark circles, Tired, blotchy skin. I'm getting angry over the littlest of things. And cowering and crying in the corner somewhere, or just falling asleep without knowing. I've dropped off - Like earlier, woke up, with my head halfway in me wardrobe, with a plastic storage box jabbing me in the back and a bad back, numb butt and legs, on my floor. Uncomfortable.I'm worrying over stupid things now. Frustrated over having no escape route as I have absolutely no freedom. Not even able to see my friends or get out of the house for half an hour. Hot flushes and then being freezing cold. Stressed. So stressed and lonely that I'm so quiet and hardly talk any more. I'm so selfish for feeling depressed as I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself for the situation. I should be supportive and pretend that everything is OK. And keep plodding on. But I'm obviously weak and pathetic as I can't do it. I want to run away and not look back. But I know it won't make it any better. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm fed up and gaining weight for no apparent reason. What reason has mum got to have deserved all this rubbish in her life? I really have the ultimate desire to preform home liposuction, but I know it wrong. Irrational. and very dangerous. I think my head is a complete mess. more so a wreck.
I cannot cope. And I really need help. Where are these so called friends that have been pretending to be friends for their obvious personal gains. Where's this prince or fairy godmother that's going to jump out and make everything OK again. Make everything like it used to be. Dysfunctional and plain, but at least it felt safe.
