I cannot believe it. Mum has gone. I stayed with her all night. Stayed next to her in her bed. In my dressing gown. The morphine didn't work so well tonight. She was achy and uncomfortable, but didn't want dad near her. She wouldn't let sis sleep down with her. She didn't want me there really, but secretly I think she was glad. I knew something was wrong. I just had that feeling. I hardly slept, half hour most. Mum kept calling my name until about 5am. Needing me to move her, try and make her comfy. I just couldn't manage it. I got so stressed. So annoyed, so upset. Then she didn't seem to make much sense. She couldn't talk properly. I thought it was the morphine.... but dad later told me, that's what happens when you are near death. Wish I had known. She looked so sad. Wish I had stroked her hair for longer, Wish I had held her hand for longer.....
That night I spent ages making sure her feet didn't stay purple. It scared me. I didn't know what else to do. He feet hurt. Her legs ached. The bed sores were hurting her.
It feels like a nightmare.
Wish I could wake up. Pinching doesn't work.
Early in the morning, Sis and dad came in. Sis made up a bit of paper with words in for mum to point at as we couldn't understand what she was saying. That didn't work. Mum kept trying to talk. She spoke more than what she had being doing, but we couldn't work out what she was saying. So upsetting. Didn't know what to do.
Sis got disabled sis ready that morning as she had slept. I answered the door to the District nurse, and was chatting to her. Discussing pain relief. Saying how guilty I feel about being a problematic child and putting mum through so much stress as a child/teen. How could I have been so selfish. Dad stayed in with mum. Sat with her. He thought she had nodded off. But District went in and looked all worried. Mum had gone unconscious. Thing is - she had been doing that on and off for the last couple of days. For some reason, didn't think much of it. Thought it was the morphine messing her about. But it wasn't. She said 24 hours......
This was at about 10:40. Dad stayed with her and I was talking more the the District. Next thing I knew. Dad came out and said, Girls, You better come in here, Mum has just gone......
What the hell...
Why didn't he tell me she was going....
Why was i out here talking, when I should have been in there with mum!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
MUUUMMM!!!!
Just couldn't believe it. Happened so quick. Dad said it was peaceful. She looked all small on her bed. Led on her side, looking like she was a little girl asleep.
Bed looked too big.
Mum looked so small. So ill.....
We called the doctor out to pronounce. As he was coming round, my sis, me & district. Tidied mum up. Lovingly brushed her hair. And put her into her brand new PJ's we had bought her. Left the socks on that I had given her a week before as an early Xmas gift.... they were so comfy for mum. But she used to say they weighed her down, felt like she was wearing wellies. I looked after and cared for mum till the end.
Sat there and watched her chest. Laid next to her, Held her hand. Stroked her hair, her face. Mums gone. Its so unreal. I love you mum. Why did they have to take you away. How am I going to cope without you. So much of my life left without you being there.
We had mums brother over & sister in law. They came straight over. She had her "traditional" ciggy with mum, like she did. Spent as much time as we all could with mum. Stroking her hair. Talking to her. laid next to her. Disbelief. Despair.
Funeral home came out at 5pm. Took mum away. So empty. I had to be strong for Sis. She wouldn't let them take mum away. Clung onto her, like a lost child. I didn't want them to take her away either, but I knew they had to do it. Persuaded sis to let them do it. Was horrible to watch them carry her out sideways on a bagged stretcher. really morbid. Really unreal. Just cannot believe mum is gone. I still keep wanting to tell her about my day, about silly things, and she isn't here to listen. So empty. So upsetting.
I love you mum. With all my heart and soul. You will never be forgotten. xxxxx
