Oh dear, It's taken me a week to get the strength to write this, and I can feel the tears well up as I do. And I dont know why I feel I couldnt write this... I just didnt want to admit defeat.
I've had to take a week off work due to stress. As some of you may have read my last blog I had a panic attack last week, I then had a lovely weekend off, and went to work monday and tuesday. Well on Monday afternoon I was acting manager, and my staff played up (thanks for that guys - cos I really need you to be making my life harder) just not doing their work and standing around chatting, wandering off upstairs leaving just a couple of us in the shop etc, then rolling the eyes when i asked them to do some work etc etc. I called my boss to complain in the evening and worked myself up into a right stress, he was very appologetic for their behaviour, but when this all started I did say I wasnt prepared to take on extra responsibility so I was a bit annoyed they had put me in that situation acting as manager anyway. Then on the tuesday we had a patient mix up with one name, but different people, address etc... I got it in the ear by the patient's husband tried to make it better - took it as my fault although it wasnt really my fault at all, got very worked up, paniced I might get sued or something, spent my lunchbreak crying and writing 2 sides of A4 as a report incase it all kicked off.... got home, mum called, sister had started loosing her hair in handfuls... by the end of the call I just broke down... Most intense headache Ive ever had, crying, exhausted, had a shower and got into bed dripping wet until Rich got home. He was a little surprised to find me soaking wet in bed! He then sat with me for a while and I talked and talked and talked, about sister, about work, about mum's call, on and on and on. I didnt managed dinner that night.
Wednesday I had an interiew for a new job, woke up, felt sick, had diarrhea (sorry guys!) kept retching... Rich took me to the interview, and I somehow got through that ok. He then took me home, I cried some more, went to sleep on the sofa for 2 hours, woke up, still didnt manage to eat, although I was hungry, spoke to mum and she suggested time off work and visit to GP. Rich had also said he though I should have some time off.
Thursday morning I went to see the doctor. Was crying before I even got into the consulting room! I told her I didnt feel I was coping with everything, she asked a few questions about my sister and work, and suggested a few options.... Time off, she suggested a week, counselling, antidepressents and/or beta blockers for painic attacks. So where am I now? Well, I took the week off, due back on Thursday, work were very unhelpful when i said id be off for a week. I ddnt wat to say it was stress - somehow that worried me telling them i was stressed, I think because It would be admitting I wasnt as strong as I want to be. So anyway I said It was a tummy upset - not a lie, but not full admission. The following morning my boss called Rich and asked if I was ok mentally. Saying that small things had seemed to be stressing me out recently and that Id been getting more and more quiet (normally the 1st to put my oar in). Well, If we are honest, no Im not ok mentally. Finding eating hard because iM so tense... its like my muscles and my brain are over powering. My tension makes the thought of food make me feel sick, which prevents me eating dinner, Ive managed to snack and Im very aware that Im not eating properly, andf that this is bad news, so Im tring really hard to eat as and when.
I went to see sister sunday with rich, and yesterday on my own. Sunday wasn't too bad, but yesterday was really hard going. When I arrived she wasn't yet washed or dressed, so her head was uncovered. I managed to keep it together infront of her, but weh she went in the shower I just exploded. I cried on mum's shoulder, and she said it was ok, but I just said sorry over and over... I don't want to upset my mum, I want to be strong. But its so shocking to see her so, well bald really. she has somehair over the top, but both sides are bald. She doesnt seem too bothered, after hospital we went to tesco to get snacks for watching a film at home and she didnt bother witha head scarf at all, she seems ok with it. she was upset when it came out apparently, but now she seems tyo be accepting it. Other than her hair you wouldnt think she has this horrid illness. She's lively and happy and eating well, and taking the mickey out of me as usual! But I think that makes it all the more shocking to have to face the fact that she's not well. Because she's not well is she. She has cancer. My baby sister has cancer. Although Ive know this for a couple of months now, I feel Ive only just realised. And i want it to go away. I want to go to sleep and wake up with this all not being real,. Because I cant cope with it, because its not fair, because she's only 15, and because i love her too much for this to be ok.
After getting home last night I called the macmillan helpline. She was very nice the lady on the phone, gave me a few numbers of support groups and counselling services, and made me realise I panic that my sister isn't ok, even when I know she is -like that she might be sad, or feeling sick, when i know she's ok, and she is being looked after. She suggested I look into cognitive behavioural psychotherapy to try and alter my mind set, so I dont let my subconcious thoughts take over and cause me to panic. I then had a nice big cry with Richard cuddling me. I managed a bit of dinner, and cruied myself to sleep.
That pretty much puts us at now. I've had another good old cry writing this, feels a bit better after a cry - hate crying tho - feel I have no right to be this upset, its not me with cancer.
Anywa I hope most of what I wrote was coherent. Has anyone had counselling? Does anyone feel like me? Am I going nuts? Will I be ok?
FormerMember
My heart goes out to you. My nephew was diagnosed with synovial sarcoma at the age of 10, nearly a year ago now. I have been through so many downs I can't count. He is currently in remission and has gone on the holiday of a lifetime to Florida and I was a complete mess at the airport!. Take each day as it comes and if counselling is recommended then do it. Your sister sounds well and that she is coping with the treatment okay - children take things like this in their stride and are much better at it then us adults. Please look after yourself and offload anytime you need to. I had a very bad day last week and moaned on this site and got some great help so you must do that too. You are certainly not going nuts - just being human. Lots of love
I've also just emailed a few close friends, some of whom I haven't even told yet, and asked for their help and support. I will get through this bad spell.
So sorry you are feeling like this, but I think its normal to be honest - its huge thing. I'm the big sis, the one having treatment for BC, my sis is the little sis the baby of the family. Its hard for the carers as well as those having the treatment,and they have to deal with it in their own way. My sister will be there for me when and if I need her, she loves me and I know she worries about me - but during my treatment has she visited, phoned, cried with me, cooked me meals... nope. Have I been hurt by that ... you bet.
She is squeamish, does not like the evidence of my treatment, scars etc so we don't talk. She knows the basics about the effects of the treatment - but doesn't understand mainly because I have not shared it with her. I am sure that she has cried but she hasn't cried with me or in front of me, I wish she had - but her stance was that she needed to be strong for me. She has never treated me as though I am ill and in a way I really appreciate that, because I don't consider myself to be ill. Your sister may feel the same, her way of dealing with it may be that she is having treatment and that she is doing well - thats good.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you don't have to be strong all of the time - you need a release, so if you want to cry or shout or go throw bottles in the bottle bank fine. You are all living with this and it will affect you. Be kind to yourself.
Your feelings echo so much of what I have been feeling since Liz's diagnosis.
She had beautiful long naturally curly hair before the chemo, the night she had it cut before it fell out absoloutely broke my heart I cried like a baby when I got home. She is a hairdresser and I knew how much her appearance means to her. Now her hair is growing back beautifully, but she will loose it again when she gets her next session of chemo.
Bigsister, why don't you encourage your sister to shave her head, it looks so much nicer to have it all off as opposed to some still being there, Liz shaved hers and to be honest after a while it looked normal. She even stopped covering her head except when she was too cold, the wore a hat which looked great.
Everything is catching up with you and what you would have shrugged off before is now a major issue, I know because we both know how much our lives have changed since our sisters diagnosois,
I can honestly say, I am not the same person as I was a year ago, I take no more s--t from people where before I was laid back, I am more aggressive (not a good thing) and I please myself and sometimes to hell with the consequences, which is also not a good thing. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are living with cancer too, and there will be times when you think there are no more tears, people in work will not understand unless they are living with it, so there will be no compassion there, you just have to deal with things the best you can, and take time to look after you too.
As always my thoughts are with you.((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Big sis, you have to remember that this IS happening to you also, and your family! It is perfectly natural that you should feel like rubbish. You have to have a weep, regularly, I do mine in the shower, I cry and cry then when I have to remind myself to cry again I take a deep breath and think right that's it, lets go do the caring thing.......I'll have another shower tomorrow.
You sound as if you have been trying to be too brave. Your sister, on the other hand, is dealing with it. Put yourself in her shoes, and think how you would cope (yes you would). One day at a time!
If your little sis has the last of her hair shaved it will show up her beautiful big eyes, works for other girls with some nice makeup! Perhaps a make up treatment in a local parlour would be a nice little gift........?
All the best to you and your family and that man of yours, he sounds a gem.
