Bigsisters Littlesister: Life is a Rollercoaster...

Haven't blogged in 6 days!! A few reasons, some good some bad. Last Friday we went to Thorpe Park - It's only about 20 mins form our place. We got annual passes so we can pop over for the afternoon whenever we fancy it and don't have to feel we have to stay all day to 'get our moneys worth'. Had a really nice day, we went with lots of friends, and friends of friends, but I took 1 friend who I haven't seen in about 2 months. We did Nemesis Inferno and Stealth, Tidal Wave, Colosus.. had lunch and coffees etc, was really nice to chill out. Bank Holiday Monday I went to see Oliver! in the west end. We met a couple of friends before the show and stayed in a very exclusive hotel (travelodge!) afterwards. It was good fun, the show was great, but I was sad. Tickets were booked up well in advance, so I'd booked them January and I booked 3 tickets. Guess who we planned on taking?.. Yep, Littlesis. So I felt sad for her that she couldn't come with us and she'd be tired, and wouldn't get back in time for radiotherapy etc... I felt really really guilty for going without her.. and I know she'd be ok with us going as we couldn't refund/exchange hotel or tickets... but there was a young girl sat next to me... only it wasn't who it really should have been and that made me sad. I hope she wasn't too dissapointed, Mum says she wasn't that fussed... I have arranged for us to see them tommorrow as it's my boyfriends birthday, and again on wednesday after her treatment to take her out for lunch. I hope to make it up to her someday, bigger and better than Oliver! Hope. Since Oliver! I've felt pretty down. My mind wanders every single minute to littlesis and as a person who likes to be (and generally is) in control I find it so so depressing and frustrating to be powerless, but thats what all this is isn't it, and I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this. Yesterday was the worst day of the week, I was at work (optician-ing!) and my first patient needed to be seen at the eye unit in the next couple of days, so I had to go into emergency mode, call the hospital, write a letter, take photo's etc... all of which I have been trained to do, and normally I do efficently, then get on with the next person. Well yesterday I dealt with the emergency, started seeing my next patient; but from that point on started shaking... then i felt nauseus, then at lunch I couldn't eat for feeling a bit sick, then after lunch (more patients) I started feeling really really aware of my heart. It wasn't until 4pm I strted to feel normal again. I phoned a friend who is taking her finals as a doctor and she said it sounded like I'd have a panic attack. I felt fine again all last night, and been fine today. I think I would have been fine if I hadn't had the work stress of an emergency... I think that tipped me over the edge. I hope I've got that one out of my system now. I don't want to bow to the pressure. I want to cope. I have to cope. It achieves nothing to panic or get upset, but I really couldn't control my body yesterday. I don't want that to happen again. If littlesis can cope with having cancer and radiotherapy and chemotherapy, then I can cope with this too. Well, the washing machine is making 'end of cycle' sounds, boyfriend has gone for a drive, and I've promided to tidy the house while he's out, so I better get on with it all! Love to all, Bigsister Bryony xxx