Lung sclc, now glands, now in neck. plz advise? sooo depressed.

hi, i was diagnosed with small cell lung in feb, they aid it was 2cm and i had a good chance of a cure, with a clinical trial called converse. i did al the tests, the scans etc.. they said i was fit enougth to take it. the word cure, made me feel eurphoric, i was so pleased. then the body scan results camr back and aid i had cancer in a gland on /near my kidneys, and the trial was out the window, i was devastated as i had already told my family the so called good news. then i developed a lump on my neck, they would not confirm what it was nor still havn't, so i asked the ultimate question, how long approx do i have? with chemo approx 2yr, without 6 month. came the answer. so they picked me up and dropped me like a hot brick in a couple of days. they cannot operate. had first lot of chemo today 18th , i am so depresed, i get approx 4 hr sleep a night, is it worth it? why me? when will i ever accept this? i dont mind being dead, its just i don't want my 4 children to suffer (all grown) i also have 6 g/children i am 50yr old, and feel robbed. i feel i have betrayed them, let them down cos of smoking. i hate the chemo, i feel like a bag of pills. i cannot take this in, cannot tell my children that they say 2yr . they sre to pleased with original word of cure. why are thet torturing me? i am so sorry this is a depressing blog. but i have had enough! i cant accept this invasion. i hate going to christies (manchester). firdt day and feel nausea, please does anyone have any encouragement that will ease my anguish? i am so desperate.