It has been nearly a month since my big sis was told she is terminal. The almost unbearable pain I am feeling has crippled me in a few ways. A week ago I walked out of work and went on sick leave, partly because I wasn't coping and partly because I need time to spend with my sister whenever I can. I have already decided I'll quit if needs be, I can find another job, I'll never have another sister.
Her name is Jane, she has cancer of the Vulva which is apparently one of the top 3 worst. That's what she says and she is the expert, for over 30 years she has been an Oncology nurse/Specialist Oncology nurse. It's a terrible irony that she has helped so many people on their journeys and saved a lot of lives along the away but now she has to suffer that journey and cannot be saved.
This has hit me very hard because she is not just a sister. We had what was called a broken home back in the 70's. My father went off with another woman when I was 5, my mother sank into depressin and alocoholism. My big sis became my carer, my guardian, a mother figure. She looked out for me and unti recenty she still did. Now the positions are reversed, she needs caring for and it is the hardest, most painful thingI have ever had to do.
I'm not alone in this, I share the load with her family, my brother in law and my niece and nephew. Both are grown up with their own families. I also am married and have a 14 year old son, my wife tries to help, they both have been brilliant, just as well because without them I don't think I'd get through this.
This week my sister went into a hospice for respite care. it's a lovely place and after just a few hours spent there I had discovered the staff are wonderful people, so kind and caring, they couldn't do enough for my sister or her visitors. The doctors had spent 2 days trying to get her meds right and for the first time in months my big sis wasn't in pain, she had managed to get comfortable. She had some colour back in her face and there was life in her eyes again. I was there at lunchtime and the staff brought me food too, I had fish and chips and it was good. My big sis had tomato soup, Ham, egg and chips and profiteroles with strawberries, she ate most of it, more than I'd seen her eat in months too. On the way out I was struggling to hold back the tears (i manage to stay strong when Im with her but the tears usually flow when I leave) and a member of staff saw this and gave me a cwtch (for those who aren't Welsh, a cwtch is like a hug, just better, it's a Welsh thing!) and I told her and her colleagues I think they are bloody fantastic, and it's true.
As the weeks progress and my time with my big sis runs out, I'm not sure how I'll cope apart from knowing I'll be there when she needs me and I'll be there at the end. Everything in between is new to me. I only hope I am strong enough to see her through til the end, because she never let me down, ever.
