Help! what,when,how to talk to a spouse who is notgoing to recover from advanced cancer?
Less than one minute read time.
FormerMember
Can anybody help or advise me?My husband of 40+ years has terminal cancer and our daughter is so angry with me as she says I am not being up front with him about the fact that he isn't going to recover!I am caring for him at home with some much appreciated help from various sources(not from our McMillan nurse!)I am in a wheelchair so at times it is very difficult but I love Tony(my husband)so much that I am prepared to do all in my power to help him.He was put on a syringe driver on Saturday which is helping his pain but he is so sleepy so trying to have a 'talk' is so difficult but I wouldn't want to do anything wrong on his final journey!At times he says about getting another car later this year,next he says he won't be driving again!I am sure he knows he is not going to recover and is just trying to spare us as we are trying to keep'up' for him!I'm so confused about everything.Anyone out there who can help?
FormerMember
Hi Barbara, of course I will be pleased to keep in touch with you,I know exactly how you feel and I will help in any way I can. We can do it here or by private messages if you prefer.
As I said it really does help to talk and I am a very good listener, I think your daughter is clutching at straws and that is very understandable but I have a friend who is also going through this as she has terminal cancer but her oncologist said the quality of her life is more important and because of the side effects of chemotherapy he does'nt advise anymore [ she has had it before ] but the cancer has returned and they are just keeping her comfortable now.
Try and explain to your daughter that his life quality must be the most important thing now as I am sure she will want what is best for her Dad, I do understand your feelings re your grandson too, we have 5 grandaughters ,all adults now but they have suffered so much as they adored Grandad, All of us find it difficult and we cope in our own way,I miss him so much, we were married for 54 years,since I was 17,and I have never lived alone,I just try and tell myself we had a good life and I must be grateful for that,That is why I find this site helpful, we are all in the same place one way or another and sharing our worries is therapeutic. Take care and love to you all. Dee
Oh Dee Thankyou so much for your good advice,I have only had a couple of hours sleep as Tony has had a very bad night and the nurses came out three times in all to give him diamorphine for his pain,he was very restless and agitated but he is resting now.I have rang our daughter so that she doesn't feel as if she's being left out but in a way I feel guilt because now he is sleeping!it's good to see him resting.
My Tony sounds very much like your husband was as up until the very early hours of this morning he was remaining positive but then he said that he felt that all that he had left to do was lie here and die!
We had talked of holidays we were going to take this year etc previously.
Don't think I'm being nosey but what type of cancer did your husband have and did he get treatment or what,did he die at home?If you don't want to say I won't be offended or anything. 54 years is a very long time to be married,you must have loved him very much and must really miss him,I thought my 41 years was a long time but it's short in comparison!
My Tony was always my strength,he cared for me(I am in a wheelchair)for 30 of those years but we still travelled abroad etc and had so many plans for more travel further afield.
Grandad is adored also by his grandchildren but especially by the 11 year old as they have a very special bond.
Better go now as Tony is stirring and I don't want him to think I'm not here.
Of course I dont think you are nosey,we have a need to share our stories on this site,if you click on my photo you will see my story,but anyway he had colon cancer 4 years ago ,had the op and was fine till a routine blood test In march last year showed a bad liver count,he had NO symptons whatsoever but tests were done and eventually they decided he had cancer of his bile duct and his liver was badly affected, he then had a major operation on 30th september when they removed 70% of his liver, his bile duct and gall bladder, and found it was'nt in his bile duct at all but was metastasis from his previous colon cancer which had also spread to his lungs !! we have a lot of if onlys but we had to be guided by the doctors, who now agree that in retrospect the operation was'nt needed and if he had just had chemotherapy when he was fit and seemingly well he may still be here today,this is what is so hard to bear, he did then have 2 sessions of chemotherapy but his body could'nt take it and two days after the last one he turned yellow and we had to rush him into hospital, a nightmare of waiting for 5 hours for a bed, we left him at 6.30 pm as he just wanted to sleep and told us to go home,but I got a call at 11.25 pm to go in,we arrived 35 minutes later but he had passed away,so unexpected, no one told us it was that serious or we would all have stayed there with him,so many regrets,why this why that,but nothing will bring him back,so please just share your last times together,we had no warning which is very hard to deal with as if we had we may have tried to do more things together as a family to make some new memories instead of thinking we had time. I know this will not cheer you up but you did ask and it does help me too to talk, please take care and love to you all . Dee.
Hi there Dee,well we were told yesterday that Tony only has days to live!he will probably not last the weekend,he is on so many drugs in his driver and I'm sure thats what at present is making him very restless and even at times confused!
I am so tearful now I'm sure I must have filled the sea!
My daughter is here with the grandson but it's so difficult as Christian doesn't like seeing his grandad like this obviously and neither does she but her and our son in law are so helpful and I really appreciate them being here and supporting me,I actually got some sleep last night and my son in law cooks and makes sure I eat! The only drawback are the 4 dogs and 3 puppies but they are not bad dogs and are just Jack Russells.
Better go and make sure Tonys safe! he has been trying to get out of bed a few times!
Good to hear about Brian,I'll write more at some point.
Hi Barbara, I am so very sorry to hear your bad news,my thoughts are with you and all your family, As it is now monday I just hope that tony is either still with you or if as the doctor said he did go that he finally went peacefully,I know about the tears as I never knew one could shed so many.
Now is the time to accept the help and love of others and please let me know how you all are when you are ready. love Dee xx
