Emotions

Hi Banjo

So sorry you are going through this. Your distress at over your husband's illness and your own reactions to it come over very strongly in your blog.

What can I say? I really empathise with what you say over pessimism and reality. I'm not in the same situation as I have just finished treatment for a highly aggressive cancer so I am living with the reality of recurrence being more than highly likely. I feel as though I am living between two very high granite walls, one the knowledge of the reality; the other is the one I make to stop this wall falling on me. It's a narrow gap but it is one in which I can find some peace of mind. I do find I have to maintain it which I do with meditation. This helps me to feel my emotions and let them go and it is an interesting process. As I meditate, I find that yes I feel anxiety, fear, anger but once I have let them float down the river, underneath are emotions like optimism, joy at the sunshine or the love of friends. I find if I shut down all emotions I feel nothing for a while, but then they come crowding in anyway.

I hope you can find some peace. I think feeling selfish is a very normal reaction. Would it help to talk to someone - perhaps one of the nurses on the Mac line?

Take care. Thinking of you xxx