I am so very tired of spending days terrified of what will happen in the future. More exhausting and painful than any chemotherapy, is that uncertainty that seems to come hand in hand after being diagnosed with cancer, I have suffered at the hands of ill inspected xrays, and have paid the price for said events, yet I don't want to blame my oncologist or anyone for what happened, as despite everything I know I feel like one of the lucky ones. Yet every single time it returns, every time I have to begin this journey again it gets harder and harder to keep the demons out, the niggling thoughts that remind you that the future will always be uncertain and nothing can change this. I feel so sick, and terrified just thinking about what could happen, what if I can't win this battle? what if this, what if that, what if, if, if, if! I cannot stand it! Spending every day painfully aware of your own mortality is too draining, I cannot keep going on like this.
I am an optimistic by nature, and I try damn hard to stay positive through all of this hell that continues to fall down on me but the one thing that will always reduce me to tears is that cruel and relentless What if? it's too much and right now I just want to rest, and for once forget about cancer, chemo and most importantly that uncertain future that is waiting to surprise me, be it good or bad.
I will rest and wait. for now, at least, I am not ready to face it, so I will by my time and try to focus on other things because I know when the time does come and I dealt my new hand of cards I will throw them on the table as I will be the master of my own fate.
That is my resolve, and I will do my best to keep it as strong as I can.
RedHare x
