15.6.15 Start to a new week and I've been making plans. From my first blog you may remember I have been suffering from mobility problems following radiotherapy to my spine. I am just starting the second week from the treatment and still have a weak left leg so I'll be asking about this at my appointment with the oncologist today. I really think some physio sessions will help. I've been resting loads but getting outside and moving about yesterday seemed to improve my confidence and I was doing much better than I expected! The muscle has shrunk so I know it will take time.
What I have particularly struggled with this weekend is the emotional impact. I appear to have emerged from the initial shock, and am less drugged up on steroids, and entering a bit of a grief/anger phase. On Saturday I stayed at home while my husband went to a couple of concerts with our concert band...but had a complete breakdown. It was awful. I was shaking, sobbing, just unable to function for ages. Poor old hubby was down the pub with no phone reception and I presumed he was ignoring me which made everything a lot worse. We've had relationship issues prior to this diagnosis and I have had a lot of anger about that coming out which can make me go completely irrational at him. Frustration at my mobility problems has turned into lashing out at him which isn't fair.
We had words when he got home but it was not very nice. Then on Sunday I lashed out at him again in the evening accusing him of not acting like a friend. This made me feel ashamed but I knew I was taking out my anger on him at the way he'd behaved during our initial split earlier this year. He's been so understanding this weekend actually considering my behaviour.
Otherwise Sunday was a brilliant day. I listened to our band play in the park, went to a fantastic church service where loads of people asked how I was and stored to chat, and managed a slap up meal down the pub where I used my stick rather than wheelchair to get in hurrah! I have like I said made some targets for this coming week in my determination to get walking again properly. I'll let you know how well I get on and do some thinking about this residual anger towards my husband.
