Too late to say goodbye

1 minute read time.

My 88yr old mum-in-law has been suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers for the last 2 years & I am her main carer. She hasn't seen or spoken to her only sister Doreen (who lives close by) for several years as they have always had a bit of a volatile relationship with each other - both having strong characters. My hubby hadn't seen his aunt either but I have recently been bumping into his cousin at the supermarket & his aunt Doreen has been made aware of her sister's failing mental health. Aunt Doreen still didn't contact her sister as she was then scared that my mum-in-law wouldn't know who she was. Before we could bring them together again Aunt Doreen was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last month. Hubby & I managed to visit her in hospital where she was having chemo & hoping to go home once her blood count was stablised. We were waiting for Doreen to get home before we took m-i-l to visit her as it would have been too upsetting for them both to meet in a hospital environment. M-i-l has been kept updated all the way along & is anxious to see her sister but her failing mental health means she doesn't realise how serious her sister's condition is.

Unfortunately Doreen only came out of hospital for a few days & was rushed back in at the weekend. We have just been told that she is now unconscious & is expected to die at any time - it has all been so quick - 5 weeks between diagnosis & now. I am absolutely gutted that we missed the chance to re-unite both sisters together & I keep asking myself if I should have just taken mum-in-law to the hospital, no matter how difficult it would have been for them both to see each other in their respective conditions, rather than them not see each other at all. I'm dreading telling m-i-l the sad news when Doreen dies as I don't know how she will take it or how she will cope with the funeral.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Angie

    Oh you poor thing what a horrid place to be.  None of this is your fault so stop beating yourself up.

    Could you take MIL to the hospital to say her goodbyes.  It may be distressing for her but it may also help her to put the past where it belongs, forgive her sister for past wrongs even if her sister can not respond and also help her when it comes to the funeral.

    Hope things work out for you.

    Much love,

    Nin xxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Bloody cancer.......our lives are always dotted with that word "if" and also regret and guilt, they walk hand in hand Angie......

    As Nin already said, dont beat yourself up over something you had no control of.

    You have your work cut out with your MIL, my Mum suffered that after my Dad passed away, she didnt know me at all in the end.

    Take her to see her sister...you didnt say how bad her memory was...it will upset her Im sure and you will be explaining what has happened for a while afterwards, but hopefully MIL will find some peace.

    Shaz (((((((((((XXXXX))))))))))))))))

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Angie,

    Its never to Late to say goodbye. You have to decide wether mil wants to see her sister.She might not want to. That descision is up to her. Your thoughts are good seeing if they could make up, but

    if one of them dosent it could only make things worse. But if you think it might work by all means go for it.   All the best and good luck.  Look after yourself.

    Take care and be safe Big Hugs Love Sarsfield.xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Oh, Angie, what a dilemma. I kind of agree with the others, does mil want to see her sister?  How would her sister's family feel about you taking her to see her? It's so difficult to know what to do for the best.  When my cousin recently died, his mother, who is similarly affected didn't attend the funeral, although she came to the pub afterwards, her remaining son asked us not to speak about his brother, cos his mum didn't really understand what had happened.  It was tragic to see her looking so sad, although she didn't really understand why she was sad...

    Go with your heart and your gut....

    Marsha xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Thank you all for your advice & support. Unfortunately the opportunity for the sisters to see each other again was taken away from us at 5am this morning when Doreen died peacefully surrounded by her daughters & grandsons. Marion wanted to see her sister over the last few weeks but we hadn't told her that she was unconscious for the last few days as we didn't want to distress her. I am now on my way to tell her the sad news & I'm hoping (however harsh it sounds) that she doesn't understand it enough to dwell on it. We are planning to take her to the funeral but if she decides not to go the family will understand. 

    The only consolation is that Doreen didn't suffer for too long and her passing, though more sudden than expected, was peaceful. My experience of lung cancer (gran, cousin & father-in-law) is that it is such a short time between diagnosis & passing away. My heart goes out to all sufferers, carers & family members affected by this terrible disease.

    Thanks once again Marsha, Nin, Shaz & Sarsfield for your comforting words,

    Angie x