Now what should we call this stage? The bits in between scans that come on a regular basis to see if you are still clear or at least nothing has grown bigger or spread. So far I've just had one scheduled scan since my op to remove my bladder and prostate, the one three months post surgery. Next one is at the beginning of February.
Do I feel cured of my cancer? Nope. Do I feel that I've still "got cancer" ? Well, mostly the answer is yes. I know that it's too early to say that the medical team have "got rid of it" but they might have. Or is that just wishful thinking? Should I think of myself like an alcoholic? As in always one but not had a drink in x years...
Somedays, in fact most days, I feel that I know I'm clear at the moment and it is just NOT coming back. I will eat the right things, do exercise, keep fingers crossed and just plain old wish for good luck! But some days I wonder if it will be a loosing battle. The odds are against me or are they? If you look at the statistics we can all work out what are "likely" prognosis will be but that is just an average. If you look at the curves in the charts they might have the majority around a certain timescale but there are many who seem to go on for so so much longer. Why shouldn't I be in the bit to the far right of the chart?
What helps me put all these things into perspective are a number of outside influences. Firstly there are you lot out there in Macmillanland. The more I read people's stories and get to know you all, the more I know that a positive attitude and a fighting determination is a real good way to start to beat the odds. In fact there have been many a medical study over the last thirty years that have concluded that those with a positive attitude actually do live longer!
I marvel at you lot out there who are "terminal" and still raise a smile about the good things in life. You are an inspiration to us all.
My second source of support and simple sanity are the nurses from the Ian Rennie charity. I'm lucky in that my local doctors' surgery has the Ian Rennie nurses as their "patient support" system. They are there 24/7 if I need them. Just a chat or a detailed question. When I remember that I have the Macmillan team, my specialist Macmillan contact nurse and the Ian Rennie team as well as my consultant, his team, my doctor and ll the rest at the surgery... I am so lucky, this band of specialists have one simple job in that they dedicate themselves to keeping me alive, sane and happy. I can even get free complementary services like massages!
Then I have my family and friends who go that extra mile for me, make me laugh and treat me as normal but are there to give me a hug or hold my hand if I need them.
The best bit about my support network is that they don't expect me to be upbeat and happy all the time. Thinking about it honestly, I do spend most of my time being a very happy person. Probably happier in real terms that before the cancer was found. I certainly appreciate the little things more and really really enjoy the big happy things. :-)
But being a cancer patient is a 24/7 job. It never does go away completely you just have to make sure it doesn't control your life more that it has to. If I didn't worry about my cancer why would I come to this site most days of the week?
Not sure where those thoughts came from this morning? I blame the cold weather and the lack of sunshine! Roll on spring and the longer days!!!
But I've had a good few days this week. Monday was a work day and I went up to the midlands for a meeting on a new job that went very well and I was back home by about 3pm so plenty of time for a good rest. Tea was left over chicken and bubble & squeak, yum!
Tuesday was day of computer work and then a nice walk. The walk was mostly round the local Asda as it was so cold outside but it got the old legs working! In the office for a couple of hours to write a strong letter to a client that seems to have forgotten to pay us for the last two months! Then back home to a warm house and a nice hot cup of tea. You just can't beat it!
So back to the question I raised at the beginning of this blog. What should i call this time between scans. Scans that tell me if I'm clear of cancer or it has come back. Well, I'm going to call them LIFE and jolly well get on with it! I've got things to do and if the weather man is right, it might even include making a snowman and having a snowball fight! Can't wait!! ;-)
Happy days to you all
Andrew xxx
