My usual blog tells the story of what I did and my feelings since I last wrote on here. Today's blog will be a bit different in that it is mostly about cancer, death, life and deep thoughts. The blog is not meant to be "down" but the honest ramblings of little old me about the big C.
But I will start with a quick canter through Tuesday 3rd November 2009. Got up, did some work, veg man arrived with a box full of lovely organic veg, postman arrived with batch of photographic paper, eat lunch of curry provided by a friend, went to the shops for a gander, popped into see a friend for a cup of tea, got home and did a little bit more work before stopping for tea. Watched TV, went to bed, day over... :-)
Now, back to my thoughts and ramblings about cancer, the dreaded C, the big C.
Let's start with a definition. Cancer (medical term: malignant neoplasm) is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth, invasion (intrusion on and destruction of adjacent tissues), and sometimes metastasis (spread to other locations in the body via lymph or blood).
In the UK in 2008, there were 141,143 deaths from cancer. In the same period the deaths from Circulatory diseases was 168,238, mental and behavioral disorders 18,438 and only 2,538 by road accident. Yep, second only to heart attacks etc. But death by cancer is one of the good deaths.
What did he say you ask? Yep, I said that death by cancer is one of the good deaths. I would hate to loose someone today by either a heart attack or a road accident. They would just be gone. No time to talk, to prepare, to have those final months or years that we all aim to squeeze out of life.
We are given, what I call, an "afterlife". Now, I am not a religious person and I do not believe in a heaven or a hell but the fact that we are told "Yes you are mortal and you will probably die from this illness. We are not sure how long it will be but we can/cannot (delete as required) do something about it."
Even in the worse cases where we have to come to terms with the phrase "terminal" we do have some time to say our goodbyes. Now I'm not trying to be either morbid or blazay about cancer. It is just that I have been thinking a lot about how I feel if I get bad news on Friday. T and I have been talking about it late into the night. I am glad that I can talk about it, it does help.
Anyway, I am working and living on the basis that I will get good news on Friday and that even if bad news does come this week or even next year or in ten years time that I will still want to fight this bloody thing right to the end.
I will not give up the fight. No bloody way. I like what I find when I wake up in the morning even if it's just the cats demanding food. I like seeing friends and family. I like reading a book, seeing a good film, having a walk in the country.
I love kicking leaves and jumping in puddles.
I love the fact that I now understand that I am mortal before it is too late. I love the fact that I have time, short or long, to do the things I like to do. I like the ordinary normal things as much as the special occasions.
Now I do hate having this pendulum of death hanging over me when i feel down. I do hate the idea of not having another 50 years of being with my loved ones. I really really hate the idea of my time left being short but I will do whatever I can to make it as long as possible. I hate waking up in the middle of the night feeling shit and asking "why me?" I hate it when I want to cry. I hate it when I do cry.
Strangely I am happier than I have ever been in my life at the moment in my little house with my lovely T. And I want it to last.
But... if and when the bid C starts to stalk me with vengeance I will ask for help from all my friends and I know that you will all hold my hand and give me a hug.
Love you all,
Andrew xxx
