The more time I spend on here reading people's blogs and notes on the forums the more I realise what an evil disease cancer is. It's not that I think other illnesses are less painful, less traumatic or less "bad". The closest other disease that runs riot through your life I think would be mental illness. I am sure that there are many other illnesses out there that come up to the same level of badness if you have them yourself or a family/loved one is stricken down with it but there is no doubt, having cancer is shit.
Yesterday, for me was quite a positive one. Fitted a worktop in the utility room, had a good long walk round town whilst listening to some great comedy through my headphones. A friend delivered back a huge pile of washing she had done for us and then stayed to help us sort out the mess we call a spare bedroom! And this was a friend who was, to put it simply but accurately, crap when we first told her about my cancer. She disappeared off the radar for about a week then uttered the simplistic words "oh, it will be alright" when we spoke about my cancer one day. I'm not sure what happened but she had, in the last week, become a really good friend who now "got it right".
But in myself something was not right and I was getting snappy at the world. Well not the world, we don't do that. We put on a brave face to the outside world. It was my lovely T that was getting the caustic end of my snappyness and I hadn't realised. In fact I thought she'd been getting snappy at me! Sorry babe.
That's what this bloody cancer does to you. It sneaks up behind you even on the good days waiting to pounce and makes you take it out on your closest ones, your loved ones. I hate having cancer but I really cannot imagine the horrors you carers out there go through. Us patients are allowed to get angry and cry and throw things. That's alright, we have cancer.
But I want to say out loud. As carers you have an even bigger right to get angry. You have all the worry on top of knowing that your loved one has this evil disease. Please, go smash a plate today if you want to. It is allowed.
And yesterday I had a phone call with someone where it took all of my self control not to shout at them. I was so close to loosing it and, in my mind, I would have every right to tell them a few home truths. Cancer does this to you. There is no time for taking prisoners, walking on eggshells round people.
But there is no time to put off telling someone that you love them. That you will miss them when you have gone. That, yes, you want that hug and you want it to last just that little bit longer. There is also no time to put off winning the fight against the evil cancer. Give it a name, call it the "thing" but make sure you hate it and that you are determined to do what ever you can to weaken it's grip on your body. Every extra day you claim back for yourself is a victory.
Oh my beloved cancer, get thee away from me!!!!!
Now that rant has made me feel really good and positive this morning. :-)
Today will be a day of doing the usual with an appointment with the stoma nurse at 2 pm and picking up my supply of protein drinks at about 5 pm. But I am determined that today I will find puddles to jump in and leaves to kick.
Andrew xx
