Have read many posts on the Mac site which echo what I've been feeling about Christmas & New Year.
It has been a strange and difficult time of year. It is still hard to come to terms with the fact that this time last year my dearly loved man was only just beginning his chemo and then everything came to an end in June. How can that be? How is it possible to gain some kind of perspective on everything that happened last year? What do I do with those memories, the memories of sheer gut-wringing pain and sadness and helplessness concerning how my man had to handle the very worst parts of his illness? Where do I put those flashbacks that can suddenly spring out on me in the middle of the night? How can everything be explained, given some validity and then left aside? I don't know. Nobody knows. The situation was what it was.
Strangely, I found some sort of help from reading the autobiography of Lt Buck Compton. He died this year, but was a member of Easy Company, whose experiences were told in The Band of Brothers series. Compton tried to explain the dreadful, really dreadful scenes he'd witnessed during WWII. He tried to deal with the guilt of being a survivor when so many of his good friends died. He concluded that there was no answer, no way of explaining what had happened. The situation was what it was, and life or death was often a matter of chance.
I have felt the deepest despair over the holiday period, the complete empty loneliness of being left behind and yearning for the presence of my man, the longing for the door to fling open noisily again, the sound of crazy laughter, the smile across the table, the squeeze of those oh so strong hands, the feeling of security, the snuggling up ....... need I say more? I have woken on a grey, wet morning wishing for the end to be near because life seems just a duty, without colour, without sharing, without easy laughter.
And then I could really get angry with myself. How dare I? My D would be so angry as would many folks on this site who are dealing with a diagnosis they never wanted. My situation is what it is, not one I wanted, of course not, but it is now my lot. And I could not wish for my D to be back, because that would be wrong. his Time was his Time. And somehow, I must get through it.
I have found that Christmas Day and New Year's Day are just days. We put too much importance on them. The anticipation of these days is worse than the days themselves. And imagining everyone is having a great family time living in their little bubbles isn't true. iI's a bit of a myth.
So I will carry on doing daft, crazy things and I won't apologise for what I do. And I will probably still get angry with couples I see who are badly behaved to each other. And I'm afraid I will get exasperated with stupid people who haven't a clue and say and do insensitive things. And when I'm stuck as to what to do, I'll think about how my D would react in the same situation. sometimes, he gives me inspiration. And of course, I'll carry him with me in my heart, because all those years count for something.
And I'll be grateful for the help and encouragement of my Mac friends, who understand without any explanation.
So - the end of the the very worst year of my life so far, and the beginning of a new year and I know not what. The very worst thing has happened so what have I got to lose............?
Hugs to all,
Little Jen XXXX
