an apology

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

5 Apr 2011

A big hello to all on this site.

Who am i? Well.. some may already know me.

I don’t have cancer, but I know some who do and have lost people that I loved through it.

Why am I here? Several reasons, but I guess the main reason is to apologise to everyone here.

My ex partner was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and has been fighting it ever since. Having lost loved ones before and knowing the heartache and pain it causes, I stupidly buried my head In the sand hoping that it would all go away, when it didn’t , I increasingly turned to alcohol to dull the pain, that in turn made me more depressed, so I unknowingly started distancing myself from her, thinking that if she died then I wouldn’t be so hurt.

She relied on me and I let her down, I had my reasons for doing what I did, but they were stupid ones. I was being selfish and I know that now.

All I wanted to do was to spend our lives together, to take care of her and to help her achieve some goals in her life before it was too late. But it was me who couldn’t cope.

I want her to live, she has so much to live for. And many times I prayed that if somehow the cancer could be taken from her and given to me instead, I would have given anything.

Where am I now? Well. We aren’t together anymore! She decided that enough was enough and I had to go, and looking back I don’t blame her.

I still love her, and I still care, and I wish I could turn back the clocks and make things better, but its far too late for that.

I had a partner and family who cared about me, I had a home and I had security, but I threw it all away because I couldn’t cope. And I now wish I had turned to you guys for the help and support I didn’t think I needed, and for that I am truly sorry to everyone.

What am I going to do now? I have got to try and piece my life back together, but its not going to be easy without the people I loved.

Why am I writing this? Like I said, I needed to apologise to you guys for one, but I guess also for others like myself to ponder on, and hopefully not to make the same mistakes as I did. If it helps only one then its been worth my while.

Thank you all for being good friends with my ex partner, and supporting her in the ways that I couldn’t, I know she couldn’t have got this far without you.

To all you guys out there, whether you are a cancer patient, family or carer, I wish you all the very best.

FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Morlador,

You are a very brave man to come on to the site and pour out,your own illness to us all here. Im sorry that it took the break up of your relationship

to get you back on track. Maybe it was for the best.

None of us are infallable and could end up in your situation at anytime. I wish you all the Luck in the world. Take everything day by day.

Take care of yourself Sarsfield.xx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Thank you Sarsfield, i know that if i had come on this site for support from the begining, then things could have been very different, but i thought that i knew best, i thought that i could cope, after all, ive been through it before. Well i was wrong and now ive messed up the lives of the ones i loved. I'm not looking for any sympathy, it was all my own doing. I cant help her anymore, but i just needed to post something on here so that i can stop someone going down the same road as i did. Just to let someone know that you cant do this on your own. You do need support.
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Marlador, is there no chance of you and your Lady getting back together again,i know it will take time for her to trust you again but surely your love is worth fighting for. Its not easy for any carer to see there loved one in pain and distress, and yes you should have asked for support and talked about your fear of loosing a loved one with this horrible illness, and i guess now you realise that alcohol is not the answer, but dont give up on yourself and your Lady, it might not be to late to make amends. Wishing you both all the very best and hope you are both able to resolve things between you.

Hugs Lucy Lee. xxx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Morlador,

Not sure if its welcome to the site or welcome back ? As Sarsfield has said it was a brave step pouring your heart out and I am sure many on here will have sympathy with your situation. You are are not the first and wont be the last to hide in a bottle, so much easier than facing life.

As a Carer it can be so hard at times, even harder than for the patient as you have even less control over whats happening. Think we are all allowed a wobble at times and maybe need time to let reality sink in.

No point me beating you up emotionally or even you attacking yourself for the mistakes you made. Maybe a bit like any relationship between a couple, we can all say or do things things that hurt our partners or loved ones.

Think the biggest problem is when this happens repeatedly and the poison becomes corrosive and eats away at the relationship until there is just a thin shell left, when the partner is at their most vulnerable and needs the support like never before.

I honestly do hope you find your path in life and, if you need professional help, you seek it. Only you and your ex-partner know if its too late to find away back - but from the tone of your letter I suspect it is. You can only turn your back on someone and kick them so often before they walk away.

Even if it's too late for you to save the relationship, I hope in time you can both re-establish a friendship - but I think 99% of the proof of your changed attitude has to come from you, it will not happen overnight and she just may not feel the effort is worth it. Its sound like she was pretty tired at the end.

As you have said of someone else reads your post and takes notice then maybe some good can come from your lesson.

Hope life gets easier for you - Take care

John
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Just a thought...

Every action has a positive intention....

You may now think that the actions you took at the time were wrong and you should have been able to cope with your loved ones illness...

At the time your choice was right for you... something had to happen to allow you to see there could have been other choices...

So coming online, for sharing your story, someone somewhere may make a choice to stay with a loved one through their illness instead of taking your choice back then. So for whoever that may be - I thank you...

As for what you can do, you can positively reinforce your committment to being there for other people. Do a fundraiser, set yourself a challenge, register for some volunteering... just keep looking at what your positive intention for coming back is today and build on it.

There is strength in saying I am sorry I made a wrong choice. If your loved one is willing to hear this from you, then drop her a line or call her. Just remember that she also has choices and if she chooses to accept your apology then this is good, if she doesn't then this is ok too...

Jules
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