(10 Dec, 2012)
It would seem that 100mg of morphine is not a good thing to be taking… specially not 100mg plus a spoonful of syrup whenever I feel i need one.
hmmm.
I’m told that isn’t about pain relief its about addiction.
And I’ve taken that and a reducing morphine regime on the chin.
It felt quite bad having my syrup locked up in a drawer until the addiction word was mentioned at which point my stubborness instantly set in …I don’t DO addiction. I even gave up chocolate for a decade becuase I began to suspect it may be addictive…. I got quite evangelical (and for me a bit feministy) about people joking about giving women chocolate to calm them down…and women buy into it…. its the opiate for an entire gender…. it has highs..its has withdrawels…blah blah…
Anyway…. this one had crept under my radar…. or maybe it was a case of ‘where have you been all my life’? Morphine doesn’t make me feel sick….. and my bowels (ulcerated as they are) are a credit to me still moving against such a beast as this. (and on only one sachet of laxative a day too).
Had it crept under my radar?
Really?
Yes and no…. its easy to lie to yourself and I’m excellent at finding reasons for doing things when I want to do them…
and maybe more importantly… for the last three years or so… ok… seven if we count post natal depression I’ve been seeking my smooth green lawn with wooden loungers and starchily clad nurses…. ambling 1930′s Doctors… verandah’s… the occassional craft lesson to break up the day… etc etc.
I’m not going to get that.
Morphine is a good substitute. (and a lovely isolation room helps)
And one that no-one seemed to mind me having. Because I’ve got cancer…. becuase I was in pain…. I don’t doubt i was (and will be again) in pain but the trigger that sent me for another spoon of syrup was psychological not physical.
For once in my life I was happy not caring who was in charge…. it meant I couldn’t drive…. it probably even meant Jane couldn’t bugger off as often as she’d like leaving me at home and worried about coping.
I dunno.
But for the first time in a long time I felt ok.
Like I felt ok back in the early summer thinking I was going to do my massage course this year, get my life together and move over to be near my mum and help my sister with her
…And then I got cancer… and life got put on hold again.
Its not the cancer I mind (or at least I didn’t whilst on the morphine)…. shit happens… but has it got to happen to me again…. now….?
The syrup bottle has stayed in hospital…. the tablets are reducing….
…I’m craving chocolate….
…it’ll have to do.
