Its been a shite week, not health wise for Dave or me but for family and friends........
It started last Tues...............
Daves younger sister rang to say that her hubby was going in for a scan that day, x-rays showed large shadow on his lung, consultant mentioned cancer......bastard. They now join that dreaded waiting game we all hate, he is fine with it.....not having treatment, had a good life (71)....toured the world in his younger days on the racing bike curcuit, had his own bike shop when he had to retire from racing...sold that and moved to the country to live his dream of having a bit of land with a few animals to look after......her dream is him. She is in turmoil, thinking she may lose another brother when Dave got diagnosed was bad enough.......
The same day my niece was in court charged with endangering her disabled daughters life.....she had a breakdown...Ive been with her for every meeting, assessment, supervised when she has had visits with her other kids...given her so much shit when she tried to end her life as the enormity of her actions hit her...Ive advised, hugged and told her off when she has slipped into self pity.....Ive always supported her and will continue to do so.....
Thurs...
Daves other sister (mother of said niece) was rushed into hospital with a massive heart attack.....thankfuly she is doing ok but that put fear in us all, please not another one leaving us..
Sunday, day of rest.....
Dave received a call asking if it was true about his best mates son.......at the same time daughter rang me to ask if we had heard.......Daves best mate, lifelong buddy, his 20yr old son had died in the early hours in a car accident.......
my heart hurts....
So, I ask again "What is the purpose of our lives" !!!!!!!!!!!!
Ive watched my Mum grieve for the loss of her sister, brother and husband to cancer..... all in the space of 4 months.
I watched my lovely Dad turn into Tango Man in just a few hours and knew the time was near and that I realised I couldn't keep him any longer. I layed beside him to keep him warm and stroked his head for as long as I could while Mum put the bloody kettle on.........I should have known she was in denial, she thought that if he was at home she would be able to make him better. I was so mad at her for trying to join my Dad a couple of weeks later, it took a lot of shouting and screaming to make her understand that I was grieving too......I had lost my wonderful, loving Dad......my boys had lost their wonderful, loving Grand-dad......even now after nearly 22yrs my eldest gets upset that he never had the chance to buy his Grand-dad a pint of beer out of his first wage packet.
I watched my lovely cuddley Mum slip away from me due to Alzheimers and then go into a diabetic coma and not return......right now I want a mummy cuddle and I seem to be wanting them more as I get older.
I broke away from a shit abusive marriage and Im very sad that my boys had to endure that time and carry the emotional scars of it.
Ive watched my eldest sons 1st born nearly die at a day old with multi organ failure and stand there, unable to do a bloody thing to help her.....watch him break the news the next day to his wife, all our hearts breaking into pieces......help with the battle that followed to get my beautiful grand-daughter where she is today.......born 4 weeks early, under average weight and height, only 1/3 of her heart working, she will be 5 in April, she has started big school and does everything at 90 miles an hour...she is amazing.
My bad boy, no. 2 son.....sexually abused, found out a week after his 7th birthday. Never felt pain in my heart like that before. Although he doesnt remember, he became a little git after that, always got found out when he was being naughty.....told him to give up being bad cos he was no good at it.....inside now for 4yrs....he has brought so many tears, worry and heartache over the years but I love him so much.....once the baby, always the baby I guess.
Why is it that all the bad things that happen are so heart-wrenchingly painful......why cant I just stub my toe and say..."ouch, that bloody hurt"..then forget about it.
I want to be a happy nanny, sitting in my rocking chair with our youngest addition snuggled in my arms, protected for as long as possible from the pains of life.....
Do we have a life plan made out before we even get here?......I was rejected at birth, even before birth actually, but was scooped up by the best Mum and Dad in all the world......
Is there some sick bastard up there watching us and thinking..."oh she coped with that well, lets chuck in another family member with cancer...heart attack....abuse....car crash.......
I feel at times that all my life has been a bumpy road, an up hill struggle. Over the last 53yrs Ive dealt with a lot of crap and come through it......Ive cried buckets writing this and there is pain in my heart from the past and for the present, so what have I learnt from my life experiences?????
What is the purpose of our lives.......fuck knows, all I see is pain, my pain , their pain, your pain......
Im not broken yet.....just out of salts and a few spoons....and....
LIFE STINKS WHEN SHIT HAPPENS
