Oh I am a smug Little person. It was my birthday at the week-end - the first birthday without my lovely man around. I was dreading it, so I thought ahead and planned my own Lunch for Lovelies and asked some of the people who have been good to me, supporting me, taking me out, phoning every so often etc etc
Sunday arrived - 17 people to lunch. Panic, panic,panic. Am I mad? What have I done? I am exhausted already. Why am I doing this? More panic. Everything was so much easier when D. was here. Now I'm the one who has to do everything, even though my kids are supportive. And besides, the last time a lot of people were at the house, D. was still here, so they're going to find it strange. And they're only coming because of him, anyway etc etc etc etc
Well, they all arrived, and after a quiet first 5 minutes, the chatter started and it carried on, and then the laughter began, and I didn't poison anyone with my food offerings, and they came back for seconds. And alright, I forgot some of the food and there were the odd moments of chaos, but not total chaos. And people stayed and stayed and laughed some more.
And I told them all to be quiet and then I made a toast to them to thank them all for being so Lovely, and there was throat clearing and a bit of wiping dust out of the eyes. And they ate some more and they stayed. And I started to think they might have to be pushed out of the door.
And a good friend said quietly to me, 'You know, I always used think of this as D's house, and I was scared of what it would feel like without him. But it's alright. It's absolutely 100% ok, and you've filled it with lovely people. And I can tell it's your home. And by the way, he's probably still here, I think."
So, I did it. I been and gone and done it. And I hope D is proud of me for giving it a go. Am absolutely exhausted, the kids did the washing up and helped a lot and were great, but I am shattered. And think I will probably go down into the pit shortly because it took a lot of effort.
But I gave it my best shot and I did it. Stick that in your nasty little slimy body, bloomin' cancer. You haven't destroyed us as well and you won't, you flippin' well won't.
Little Jen
