Can't believe it is six months since Ma passed. Six weeks since Flash died. I am reading a novelist I have not come across before: Maeve Binchy. Normally I don' t read rom-dram novels at all - she wrote "Circle of Friends" that got made into a film with Minnie Driver in it. But once I got started reading "Tara Road", I couldn't stop. I was up until 3am this morning trying to finish it and find out what happens. She is really good, not least because she understands about loss and that is so important in a novelist, as loss is part of life. She understands the pain, the fear and the waking in the middle of the night hugging the quilt because you feel so empty. There is one chapter in which she deals with some very hard emotions - about losing a partner to someone else and every sentence I could apply to my own situation although my loss is obviously different. She is not afraid of a good hard look at the truth of a situation and how hard it hits some people and what they don't tell you about what they are suffering.
As we go into spring and you see the blossoms on the trees and the buds beginning to burst into life, I realise what a harsh winter I've had: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. That's not a moan; I say it as fact. As observation, almost looking down at myself.
I've been doing some retail therapy too; I think I've now got half of Cairo in my wardrobe; I'm very keen on belly dancing and the amount of baubles and beaded and jingly items in there is growing! With the new costumes, I could now probably keep the nearest ten restaurants entertained for several weekends in a row.
I also think not having Flash around is driving me a bit loopy; I found myself discussing at length with the local newsagent, how best to get a 250 bag of Thorntons chocolates for the cheapest price. He fell silent after twenty minutes!
I found a new Tai Chi class and found that helps. No new counsellor on the horizon yet but waiting for new referral to come though.
Seriously thinking about getting another dog, though I hate to say it. I have found a new litter of Border Collie pups born not long ago. They are all the same colour as Flash though. Wonder if this would be weird, like I'm trying to replace him. I have looked at other breeds, like German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers, but can't bring myself to consider it. They simply aren't as affectionate. Also Border collies are what is known as a pastoral breed, I thought they were a working breed but not according to the Kennel Club. And I love the open land and the countryside, and reading the poetry of Thomas Hardy, I'm into the pastoral thing, even in painting, like J Constable and JMW Turner, so that might be why I go for them.
Today is New Year again for Iranians - it is Nowrouz, the Persian New Year's Day according to their calendar. There was a huge tangerine- and-gold- coloured full moon hanging in the sky last night. Will try reading some Persian poetry as well as Thomas Hardy .....
