I was just wondering what "mothering" means. Also what it means to have a mother. And what it means when you don't have a mother any more.
On Friday I went for a short counselling-type chat at my local cancer support centre. My counselling sessions finished a while back, but I drop in for a chat every now and again.
I mentioned that one or two of the people who are closely related to me are so not my Mum. The counsellor said, " So you think you are comparing them to your mum and seeing how they come up short?" and I said "Well, I'm not sure ..." But in reality I could have given her a list!
My mum would never bawl me out for not phoning her. That's what one of my aunts did the other day. My mum would never pass the buck if someone called her genuinely needing help. When she was alive, she even mounted a campaign for this woman she didn't even know, to get her children back, liaising with social workers and doctors. Another of my aunts just passes the buck when I say I need help. She said she had phoned another relative about my coming over to see them and then I found she hadn't. Another of my mum's sisters has not phoned me since I called her after the funeral. I called her in tears after the funeral saying I didn't feel well and she told me to go to the GP! I asked her when we would see each other and she said she would get one of my cousins to call me back and she never did. That was six months ago.
So yes, I guess I could be forgiven for thinking that this is nothing like what my Mum was. To me, they are selfish, self-centred and uncaring. They have forgotten their culture and the basic tenets of kindness and compassion of their religion. This weekend I have flu and I'm alone, for the first time since she died. I think all the machinations of the past weeks and the dog's death and burial, have taken it out of me.
Sometimes I think what I need is a new family and possibly another Mum. No one could ever replace her but now that she's gone, sometimes I think I could be forgiven for heading for the hills and starting over again with a group of new people who actually care.
On Friday the counsellor said that maybe I had to fend for myself, She said that maybe the way my mother's family blame me and each other instead of taking responsibility was just something I had to accept about them. but surely there's a difference between accepting something and putting up with it with gritted teeth? Surely there's a difference between fending for yourself/ learning to mother yourself .....and having no one around when you've got flu? And what exactly do these so-called relatives accept about me in return? Am I being asked to put up with one-sided relationships all the time? I was going to write them letters saying I wasn't happy with the situation and the way they keep their distance but still try to have a say in my life and keep asking me my plans but give me no real support or help. Firstly I'm so blank I couldn't even begin to say what my plans are. Secondly, what is it to them? Have they made the effort to come and see me? No. I keep thinking about telling them I need space and maybe not to be in touch at all for the next couple of years, while I sort myself out, especially as being in touch with them isnt helping, it's hurting. But I can't bring myself to, just yet, until I know that that is what I do in fact want.
One thing is for sure: this bunch of people called my relatives ain't gonna take responsibility for no one and nothing but themselves. I do think I'm going to need more support - from somewhere.
It has been suggested to me that I'm the new generation and I have to forge a new reality, make a new way of life, a new way of being, that is different to Mother's. Sounds great ... wonder if I have really taken that on board? The picture of the future is still blurred because we lived together - I guess we were past and future in the same house. And as yet, it is still not easy to see what that future might look like.
Anyway, I'd better dose up with paracetamol and cough linctus if I can find any. Might have to be the polyclinic tomorrow if I'm no better. Arm myself with tissues.
Perse.
