Just been listening to the new album " The Gate" by the jazz singer Kurt Elling. There is nothing like jazz for making you feel it. His voice is like a fusion of Harry Connick Jr, Frank Sinatra and Jamie Cullum. There's a line he sings: " After the Love has gone/How could you lead me on? and not let me stay around?" That's how I feel about Mum and Dog! How could they not let me go where they went? Yes I've tried to read " The Rainbow Bridge" "The Road Less Travelled" and all those self-help books; I hardly get beyond the first few pages; I can't bear it; I can hardly bear Kurt Elling either but at least there's only four minutes of him at a time.
How dare these two leave me behind? And go and have a great time playing fetch in some Elysian green field, wherever they are and not let me in on it?
Today, for the first time, I told someone I went for a coffee with, the real story of what happened: Ma's sudden death and how shocking it really was, when everyone thought she had got rid of the cancer and it suddenly came back. And , for the first time, I actually came out and said that I thought those three magic letters had a lot to answer for: NHS. I said it, I actually went ahead and said it. I saw the pity in the other person's eyes when I did. Because she said she had had cancer of the throat and her GP moved really quickly and sent her to ENT where she was immediately treated and she is alive today. And there was pity in her eyes because my Mum isn't. And her GP didn't do anywhere near as much.Shall we say.
God, I even enquired. I even went and had an interview with the GP to find out what had happened. Because I needed to. All she did was defend herself in case I took her to court. It was a complete no-no and I broke down and had to get out of there. And for the first time I saw real empathy in this lady's eyes while I talked to her today. Not cod-sympathy and looking at her watch, but real empathy. A human response at last.
So I listen to my jazz CDs and try and find out where Kurt Elling and Jamie Cullum are coming from. Because I need an anchor and that anchor is so often music. When nothing else will do.
