Well to start off i should probably tell you all a little about myself. Im 28 i have a sister whos 35 and has a 7 year old son. My mum is 55 and has been married to my dad who 61 for 38 years. My dad has been my mums carer for pretty much that amount of time as she sufferes with a long history of mental illness.
My childhood wasnt the best but my dad was always there, he was my childhood hero and as sad as it is now adays to say, he still is my hero. i have suffered with depression and in my darkest days i used to cry thinking of life without my dad, but when i got better i would laugh at myself for being so silly.
Fast forward a few years and i am now living this nightmare. 2 months ago my wonderful and caring dad was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer, it had already taken up 1/2 of his right lung causing it to collapse. We spoke to the Doctor and i asked him if there was the slightest chance that the cancer could go away. he said YES! I always try to be optimistic so have held out hope that even if it is a small chance then at least theres a chance. He is now on his 2nd dose of his first course of chemotherapy.
Today my mum and dad went went to get a letter from the doctor to prove he has cancer. His GP had written in this letter that my dad was receiving "pallative Chemotherapy", well of course i panicked! so i looked it up on the internet and it pretty much states, that this type of chemotherapy is to prolong life not cure it. Thanks Doc for giving me false hope.
Now for the questions!! What am i supposed to do? this man has been the only constant good thing in my life, i have no idea how i am to exist in a world which hes not in. I really dont think that time will heal this. I feel selfish because i just think that i have wasted my life. My sister was the one who got married and had a kid, i was the one who loved the single life and concentrated on my work. I now feel i have deprived my Dad of seeing me become a parent and settle down. I want my future children to know and love my dad like my nephew has. I want him to walk me down the aisle and give me away like he did for my sister. But this has come and completely destroyed everything. I dont know what i want from life any more and now i feel a rush to find a boyrfriend and have children so at least he can see the start.
Anyways thats enough for the time being. im working nights so will probably update you more at a later date!!!
