Today I had my first review after being transferred from the specialist cancer hospital at Felindre to the University Hospital of Wales, generally known as the "Heath". A typical large, rather clapped-out looking British research hospital.
Things have improved physically for me over the last week, following a very rough fortnight after completing treatment. But I confess to feeling utterly exhausted. I also caught some kind of minor bug or cold which had me in bed for most of the last weekend. It was enough to lay me low.
The hardest thing right now is the sheer slowness of any discernible recovery from the treatment. Even today I have vomited three times, whereas at the end of last week it seemed to have stopped. Up and down, back and forth. Progress is so agonisingly slow it got me thinking about the meaning of the word patient.
Used as a noun, patient originally meant "one who suffers", according to Wikipedia.
"Well", I thought, feeling rather sorry for myself,"what's changed?!" Indeed, that seems to pretty much sum up my life over the last two months. I am a patient and yeah, I am definitely suffering and it doesn't seem to be improving much. I keep telling myself I need to be patient (Geduld haben, auf Deutsch), as so many have told me I must do. But I allowed myself to focus on the other meaning of the word, on my suffering (and I am not making light of this - it has been and remains bloody hard) and my feelings of exhaustion. I have been sleeping and dozing so much. And so I started to feel sorry for myself.
I was jolted out of this by a boisterous, funny, positive Macmillan nurse this afternoon. She ran through my medications with me - I had basically stopped almost all of them as I am not a great believer - and explained how a couple could help nevertheless with the vomiting and convinced me to restart them. She understood my fatigue but explained the dangers of excessive rest: you get even weaker and a vicious circle can start. She had the gall to suggest I could learn new skills - like hoovering! :-) Amazing how someone can remain funny, uplifting and optimistic when meeting cancer patients all day. She gave me a deft and skillful little kick up the bottom, which is what I needed and I feel much the better for it. Macmillan nurses are superb.
