Mum left us at 03:25,10th Feb 2014. I am still in a stage of fuzziness. I don’t know this is due to lack of sleep or too much going on last few days.
After received my sister’s phone call, couldn’t go to sleep. Stayed awake whole night. Around 3 clock, made another call to my sister, said mum seems stable. Arrived airport at 4, my daughter went with me. She’s very close to my mum, but cannot make the trip. Its hard on her too. Good job she came back last year for the whole summer holiday. Mum was still alright at the time. How anyone of us will know that would be the last time they see each other. This is life, isn’t it. Any turning back at someone, could be the last. Sit in the airport lounge, I feel num. wondering around a bit, suddenly remember I need to check the boarding gate. Already final call. That shock woke me up a little. Running to the gate with tears rolling down, if I missed the plane I will never forgive myself. Arrived Beijing at 6 Sunday morning. My brother in-low picked me up and drive me straight to the hospital. It was cold here, -9 degree. I feel cold too, inside out. It still Chinese New Year period, not many people around yet. The whole city still quite.
The moment I opened the door saw my mum, I can feel my heart broken to pieces. She doesn’t look good. I only left her less than two months, only two months, she looks so ill. We always joke about her small eyes, but not now. Her eyes looks so big and she look me right into my eyes with sparkle, but she’s unable to speak a word. Her blood oxygen level was too low, her lung wasn’t in a good condition at all. I have to hold my emotion and walk to her put her hand in mine. I asked her, do you know who I am, she look at me, nodded, and said younger daughter. She put her head on my arm I knew she’s happy I am here. In between the chaos, I took out my phone showed her my daughter’s new haircut, our cats, she saw the pictures and nodded her head a little. I called my daughter asking her sing a song for grandma over the phone. Even she cannot say a word, I know mum can hear. In Chinese saying, two grandchild are the point of her hear, they have her full attention anytime anywhere, nothing else matters, as long as these two little one are happy. If there are things mum doesn’t want to let go, the two grand children will be on the top of her list, even higher than my dad. But this time, it wasn’t her say. After several times of struggles, mum decided its time leaving us behind. Since I came to the room, I have been holding her hand and continuing telling her don’t worry, don’t be scared, we are all here with her. Even at last moment that doctor said she’s already out of conscious, I did not stop telling her the same thing over and over. I told her I love her, I feel proud to have her as my mum and I know she feel proud of me and my sister too. I told her don’t worry about my dad we will look after him. I told her two grandchildren will never forgot her and how much she loved them. I told her she had a pretty good life, although with ups and downs, but she never short of love from her family and friends. I told her she is a good person that is why she will be missed by all of us. We will be good person too as she did. Be kind, be generous, be gentle, and be there for the family. I told her we will accept if she decide to end this suffering, we will not keep her just for our own sake. I told her life without her will be totally different, but don’t worries, we will learn how to cope, we know she will watching us over. She will give us all the strength we need. With her two daughters and husband nearly 40 years on her side, holding her hand and many kiss, mum went with peace.
In Chinese tradition, when people past away, they have to be buried within three days. Also, there are so many traditions need to follow during the process. How to dress her, what to put in with her coffin, who doing what at what time, etc. Me and my sister bit out of bloom by all the issues. My father in a stage of nearly mental break down. Since my parents doesn’t have son, as the first Child, my sister have to take on many tasks. On one hand, I am glad to be second at such moment, on the other hand, I really feel sorry for my sister. She have to push all the emotions back and dealing with all, sometime pretty frustrating and even sh*t things in my concern. But she did my mum proud. Everything went well and smoothly according to the traditions.
Yesterday was coldest day this winter. I put on so many layers of cloth still cannot stop shivering. Waiting at cremation site to collecting mum’s ashes, watching other families passing by, I feel these whole event have nothing to do with me. I feel in a bubble that I am there but I don’t belong to there. Like watching a film or some sort. Then, they bought out mum’s ashes. My sister went fetch the assistance, I standing there alone with my mum. She is nothing but few bones. My whole body cannot stop shaking. It was cold, it was so cold…… but I can feel warmth from my mum’s bones. I walked step further, I really want to lay down there with her, to feel her warmth again. Just one more time, just one more……
Mum’s burial place is on a small mountain at outskirt of the city. With big open place and full of sunshine. Mum will like it very much.
I love you mum. As everyone said I am your favourite one. I know you love my sister as much as you love me. But I also know I can make you laugh and understanding your feelings more than others too. I miss you so much even before you gone, I want to have you with me, because there are so many things we can do, so many chit chat we can have. But I also know with your condition, let you go is better than keep you here with us. I don’t want to see you in such pain and suffering, you don’t deserve these. I also know your decision to leave is also for us. You don’t want to trouble us anymore. Thank you mum. I have travled thousands of miles rush back to see you. I have no regrets because i have showed how much i love you all these years. I am glad that i spend nearly half year with your just before all these happend. We had good time and i believe you enjoyed it too. i am no perfect daughter, but i am yours that is good enough, i know you think so too.
What life could be next? I don’t know mum. But one thing i can be sure, i will continuly make you proud！
