Since 2009 I have been through a lot and, whilst I have coped extremely well with it all, I am finding it is getting harder!
I thought it might help to jot down some of my thoughts...............
My first encounter with the demon Cancer was in 2009 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. A lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy and 5 weeks of radiotherapy followed. I worked every day of my radiotherapy, determined to keep some normality and was upbeat and positive every step of the way. Tamoxifen started after the radiotherapy was complete in early 2010.
I virtually put the cancer out of my mind and considered that I had it but it was now gone.
The following year, 2011, I was hospitalised with Pneumonia and a routine CT scan showed up a 10cm tumour in my left kidney. No connection to the breast cancer, just another random cancer. My kidney was removed in August 2011 with no further treatment. I was told that Chemo and radiotherapy were not very effective with renal cancer so surgery was the only option. I returned to work after 6 weeks and, again, ploughed on with my life, job, kids, grandchildren etc.
Follow up CT scans were good, there was a small nodule on my right lung but no change over several scans so they are not overly concerned about that.
Earlier this year I found another breast lump and duly returned to the breast clinic for it to be checked. The nurse specialist was extremly condescending and made me feel like I was neurotic and "she was more or less certain it was nothing to be concerned about, so just get on with your life". Following ultrasound scan and biopsy I was diagnosed with a breast tumour but it was metastatic kidney cells and not breast cancer cells! so much for the nurse specialist's opinion!
This sort of spread is apparently extremely rare and my renal consultant was very dubious about the dianosis. However, a re-test of the biopsy confirmed that it was, indeed, renal cancer spread.
This tumour was removed by my breast surgeon in May of this year, although he was not overly keen on surgery as "you have had two different cancers and now metastatic cancer". My response was that it was better being cut out than left where it was so surgery was duly performed.
As I understand it secondary cancer cannot be cured. Chemo and Radiotherapy are not effective and other drugs for renal cancer will not cure it just keep it at bay. CT scan was clear in July which is good news but I am finding it more and more difficult to be positive and upbeat. I just keep thinking that it will come back somewhere else now that it has spread. I am not been able to get any sort of answer from my oncologist who just says "will have to wait and see". Why oh why can't they give me some indication of what the odds are for this popping up somewhere else? Logic tells me that it would not be very likely that only one cell spread so the other cells are sitting somewhere in me just waiting for the right set of circumstances and they will be off and running! As it has spread in my blood the little blighters could be anywhere!
I only had one week off work after my latest op and then worked from home for 3 weeks before returning to my full-time role 4 weeks after my op. I feel like I have to keep pushing myself to have a normal life and not let the cancer take over. I know that I do too much and I am so tired most days but I don't know how to stop.
I am a single mum, with only one income and a mortgage and bills to pay. Nobody is going to bail me out or help me out financially so I just have to keep going and keep going and keep going. Some days I just want to sleep.
The last week or so I have had a very rapid pulse and high blood pressure. Feeling very tired and a little agitated. I have seen GP and she has done ECG which was fine. Blood test results due on Friday. GP indicated that she thought it was "stress as you have a lot to cope with". I totally disagree and do not think I am stressed. I do know my own body and am a little scared that something else is going on somewhere. I have lived with this thing for 4 years and have dealt with it and got on with it, why would I suddenly feel stressed?
Oh well, will have to "wait and see" as the oncologist said (i really wanted to hit him!).
Sorry to let off steam but, whilst my daughters are wonderful, I try to shield them from my scares. My friends are also wonderful but they would just think I am being negative and that I must stay positive that it will not come back again. Nobody seems to understand............
