Today I have felt mostly ok. Things have been a bit difficult at work the past few days so that's not made things easier, but for the most part, no negative feelings or thoughts today.
I nearly got upset earlier when I was first browsing this site and having to get to grips with seeing the word 'cancer' everywhere. That was hard.
I'm finding little things are setting me off at the moment, like last night on 'Love Your Garden' there was a woman with M.D and she was wheelchair bound. As a surprise, her family (with the help of Alan Titchmarsh) completely renovated her garden, making a circular smooth path that meandered between different sections of the garden, ending with her own little shed and a flowery canopy to sit under in the hot weather. When they revealed the surprise to her, as you can imagine, she was completely overwhelmed. So was I. My boyfriend ordered me to turn the TV channel over immediately - he knew what was coming. I must have this special face that I pull whenever I think of my mum. He's got it down to a tee and can seem to spot it a mile off.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and slapped on my absolutely fantastic 'no honestly I'm fine' face (I'm getting really good at that now!) and got on with it like I always do - pushing the bad thoughts as hard as I can to the back of my head. Luckily I got distracted by something and the thoughts went away. Phewf, close call. Sometimes things like that can push me over the edge.
Is anybody else getting this? Crying at adverts? Pictures of kittens? Screaming in anger and throwing plates one second, but crying and bawling into someone's chest the next? That's me for the past month. I was waiting for it to go away but it's not. I'd understand more if maybe I was depressed or angry or just one emotion - but I'm not and it keeps changing and it makes no sense to me. I can't figure out why some days I'm a wreck and other days I'm almost bouncing off the ceiling. It's exhausting trying to keep up with myself at the moment.
