So my best friend got engaged. Jelous? Yep. Not the engagement bit, I'm just really jealous that somebody else has something great going on in their life and I don't. I feel like a bitch and rightly so.
I have gratefully accepted my role as Cheif Bridesmaid and despite what I've just said I am genuinely happy for her and her boyfriend and I hope they have a long, happy life together. So I will instead focus on the fact that somebody wants me to be their bridesmaid and share their special day with them, rather than just thinking of myself.
The last few days have been strange, yesterday in particular. I've been waking up in the mornings in a strangely good mood and then being constantly up and down for the rest of the day. I'm finding it quite frustrating.
Yesterday for example, I had a good day. I felt fine all day, I could communicate, I was social all day. I left work to go and meet my boyfriend at work across town and as I was walking, I started to not feel good and then all of a sudden I was having flashbacks of something that hadn't even happened and I was a sobbing mess. I was walking around the street waiting for my boyfriend to finish and I ended up sat on a fire escape crying into my hoody. I was having 'flashbacks' of carrying my mum's coffin into the church with my sister and my dad.
Some days it's just so real and I can't be positive. I can't do it. Sometimes I get all these horrible morbid thoughts stuck in my head and I can't get them out. I can't talk to anyone really about it because they don't know what to say. Most of the time the most constructive thing I get is 'don't think like that' 'your mum's going to be fine blah blah blah blah' and I'm sick of hearing it. Stop trying to make me this happy, positive person when I'm going through the hardest time of my entire life. Someone simply telling me to stop worrying doesn't make it all suddenly disappear. And that's why I'm cutting people out. It's working so far and I'm happy with my small group of good friends and close family. That's all I need.
It's like right now as I'm typing this, there is a colleague sat across the room from me who has literally not stopped moaning and feeling sorry for himself all week. ''Oh I haven't sat down all day'' ''Oh I'm sick of customers'' ''Oh I'm tired'' ''I'm hungry'' ''my back hurts''...
and I just feel like taking a deep breathe and screaming at the top of my lungs...
DO.
YOU.
WANT.
TO.
SWAP?
