I don't feel right today.
I feel down and angry and upset. I'm finding it really hard to communicate with people today. I'm finding it near impossible to be nice and friendly and I feel like such a bitch but I can't stop it.
My mum has yet another chat with the hospital today about her chemo trial. I sent her a message saying good luck. My sister said she's been eating alot better recently too though so that's good.
I FINALLY get my bike on Wednesday so I can finally start going to see her. I'm so excited!
My dad, sister and boyfriend have all hinted that they don't think I'm going to do it or that I'm only going to go down once till I get 'fed up'. Now, I know they were only joking, and whilst I have a tendancy to be a little over sensitive, that comment hurt.
It hurt because I have felt like shit for not being able to see her. I have berated myself every single day since she was diagnosed. I have done everything I can to get this fucking bike. My sister knows full well how much I want it, because I've told her over and over again, yet when my dad said ''oh I bet you wont do it'' she was like ''hahah yeah I bet you wont'' and I felt like knocking her out. I'm trying my best. I don't have two pennies to rub together at the moment and I'm doing everything I can to try and see her. I'm going to prove every single last fucking one of them wrong. I am TIRED of people not believing in me.
I offered to make soup for her, but they said 'no it doesn't matter' and then they're getting all excited because Nana made some and brought some down for them last week. I offered to make some mash for my mum because she loves it - 'no it doesn't matter', same thing happens again. I shouldn't be making this about myself, I know, and I feel appropriately selfish for it - but I don't know what to do.
Talking of money, this week my boyfriend has put his foot down with my smoking and I am not allowed to buy myself tobacco anymore. I have my shitty e-cig which at the moment, just isn't cutting it. Days like this I feel like throwing it across the car park. So no, I am not in a good mood today.
My IBS is absolutely battering me today. I've been to the toilet twice and it's not even midday. It's hurting so bad it's making me sweat.
I hope mum is ok. I hope they can start her chemo soon.
