I think I need to see a counsellor.
The reason being is that since my mum's diagnosis, I have been having thoughts that I have been keeping to myself and I'm having trouble keeping a lid on them now.
I don't know who to speak to about how I feel because noone ever knows what to say in response and I feel bad for making them feel bad. I need to speak to someone who doesn't know me or my situation and can just sit and let me say what I need to say.
I keep having nightmares and scary day dreams that completely consume me. They're almost like flashbacks of things that haven't happened yet. The other day it was my mum's funeral - and then the other night I couldn't sleep because I was having 'flashbacks' of me and my sister deciding what to do with my mum's ashes. Yesterday morning I had a dream that I was in a little caravan and I was sat on a couch crying and my dad walked in through the door and we were just clinging onto each other sobbing.
These dreams and day dreams only seem to last a couple of seconds but are enough to completely distract me for the rest of the day.
My boyfriend is desperately trying to be there for me, but it's hard to be there for someone who wont talk. Which I wont. Because I can't, and that's why I need to speak to someone. That can be my mission for the weekend.
If anyone could point me in the right direction or give me some tips or advice on what to do here I'd be very grateful. I've been writing these thoughts down and trying to keep them out of my head, but it's not quite the same as actually talking.
I've still never really cried about any of this because I wont talk about it. I think I need to start talking so that I can cry and I can let it hit me. I've been waiting for two months and it's not happening because I'm not letting it.
