I'm back at work after a couple of days off and it was nice to have a couple of days to myself. Still not sure how I feel about being alone. Some days I'm fine, some days I'm a mess.
We're currently waiting for my mum to have her next CT scan. They ideally wanted her to be on her chemo by now, or at least thinking about starting it but she's so weak and tired that they aren't going to do it yet. They've put her on steroids to try and help her eat, as she's only having one milkshake every two days apparently.
My mum is bloody murder for her eating. She hasn't eaten properly since having cancer the first time 10 years ago. She's lived off jacket potatoes and cream crackers and was just about eating one meal a day, and now just as expected, she's completely stopped eating. Hopefully things will improve soon (I am sick of saying that to myself now).
So yeah, they're doing another CT scan, this time on her brain as well to check it hasn't spread there. I am absolutely terrified of this. If she's got brain cancer I literally have no idea what we're going to do. I can't even think about it.
Her hip and her back are still causing her alot of pain so she's constantly dosed up on so many painkillers that she's just sleeping all day. She's got to a point where she's sleeping so much that the other night she got up at 8pm and asked my dad why he was still at home because he was going to be late for work. He'd already been to work.
My dad is concerning me. I don't think he's coping very well at all. Every time I speak to him he sounds more and more like a broken man. I'm really worried about this CT scan and the effect it's going to have on him.
Another thing that I'm trying to sort out is the overwhelming guilt I feel for not being able to go and see my mum as much as I'd like. I'm getting my bike next week (my boyfriend's mum has VERY kindly given me hers to use) so I can go down and see them all whenever I like (which is like, everyday). I feel like the shittiest daughter in the world. Everyone's running round trying to help my mum out and I'm just sat up here in my flat doing sweet eff all. I try to text her as much as I can but Im scared of waking her up. I text my dad all the time and ask him how they're both doing and we're alot closer because of that but I still feel like a complete shit bag. I feel like the worst daughter in the world. Next week it changes. They're going to be sick of the sight of me.
Are there any patients on here in a similar situation who can give me some kind of idea on this whole thing? How do you feel about people visiting you all the time? What about your kids? I just have no idea what to do - I don't want to go down there and piss her off by getting in her way or making her feel like she has to stay up for me or anything - but at the same time I'm desperate to get more hands on and actively help out more.
Bah.
Hope everyone is ok, I've not really been on here the past few days, but I logged on yesterday to check on my various friends on here - hope you're all ok, thinking of you lots. In particularly Margaret and Bethany x
