...For God's sake. My Grandma is in hospital again.
She's had an angina attack in the night so my Grandad took her to the Drs the next day and when she was having some tests done, she had another one. They phoned an ambulance straight away and they took her to hospital, where she is now. We think she might have to have a pacemaker fitted, which I guess is a pretty routine procedure and Grandma is a strong lady, I think she can get through the operation. As bad as this potentially sounds, it's not my Grandma I'm worried about, it's my Grandad and my dad. I have no idea how, or even if they're going to cope. I'm worried about my dad quite alot at the moment.
I'm worrying about how they're all going to cope if/when Grandma has her operation because my mum will be starting her chemo around that time and could be really ill. It's a new type of chemo I think so I/we have no idea what to expect in terms of side effects. Apparently this stuff is stronger and kicks in quicker.
*sigh*
I don't know what to do or how to help. I live nearly 5/6 miles away from my mum (I know that doesn't sound alot but I don't drive and getting the bus there and back will cost me £5 each time) so it's not like I can pop round and do a bit of ironing or clean the cat little tray out or walk to my Grandmas and make them some dinner, hang their clothes out, do the garden, whatever, I don't care, I'll do anything. But I can't. I just don't have the money.
We're trying to save up for a bike each at the moment, because I could bike it down there in around 20/30 mins which I don't mind at all. I could pick shopping up on the way there or pick up something to eat. But instead I'm sat in Wigan in my flat watching TV. Yes I feel guilty, yes I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel like I can't do anything to help other than send a 'how's everything going?' text every couple of days and that just feels like a huge cop out. I know if my mum read this she'd either be rolling her eyes now and laughing at how rediculous I'm being or screaming at me to stop being so silly. My mum is not the type of person to expect people to put their lives on pause for her and she already hates everyone running around after her, which just further proves how strong she is, but at some point, she's going to need help whether she likes it or not and I want to be there for when that happens.
I can help out by having my sister over to stay and take the weight off her for a while - but then that means my dad has to do everything when she's not there.
I'm over thinking everything right now and I know it. I know there'll be some of you reading this thinking 'oh for God's sake get a grip woman!' and rightly so! I've been telling myself that for over a month now.
I'm ok though, I'm not depressed. I have my bad days, I have good days, I have days where I think too much and days where I don't think at all. It's to be expected and I suppose that is what this blog is for. I feel better already just getting all that out of my head. I feel like I've cleared a space now.
